Refocusing on joy

Weather: First day with a high in the 30s! ❄🥶❄🥶❄ It’ll be back near 60 in two days, so weirdness still happens.

Decided to start using my time away from social media to get my personal path back in order. There’s a lot of repair work to do and some major infrastructure that needs to be built.

Related to the title for this piece, I saw a print ad for LEGO as I was leafing through my latest copy of Vanity Fair magazine (yes, kids. I still read print magazines!) The ad was primarily focused on, not surprisingly , selling LEGOs to adults, but they used the framework of utilizing play to reignite some self-healing through creativity and mindful focus.
Here’s an article fleshing out this philosophy:
https://www.lego.com/en-us/categories/adults-welcome/article/mindfulness

It was really well done, and made me take a moment to reassess how I’ve been inuring myself against all the depression and anxiety that this year has brought, and how little I allowed myself to channel those emotions into a creative outlet. This is part of the reason that the pandemic and getting hand surgery have both contributed to the existential stress I’ve been feeling lately. Both have in their own way curtailed my ability to produce art in the way I was used to. However, this should not have been the case. I’ve managed to fall into the excuses oubliette and didn’t really make any attempt to get back out. I’m not sure at what point this year I just kind of gave up on things, but I seem to be reaping the…not rewards, but repercussions, at this point.

So last night, after some very helpful conversations with the Husbeast and with my Mum, who both gave me stellar advice on getting rid of the vessel I’d been storing all my stress in, I had a few epiphanies.

As Brian pointed out to me, when I’d started waxing ridiculous about this stone container I stored all my worries in, and how it was so hard to get the cracks spackled up once it started leaking, maybe I shouldn’t be trying to reseal it. It literally set me back on my heels to hear that. And he said it gently, so it kinda made me stop talking, and really think about what he’d said. He was right. Why was I trying to seal all this toxic shit back into the stone vat, only to have it leak again later? Let the shit out, deal with it and LET IT GO. Then blow up the vessel. Because I like blowing things up that don’t serve me anymore.

It’s a lot for me to not only realize that I’ve been my my own worst enemy, but that I’d forgotten all the coping skills I’d acquired through therapy. Annoying to realize that. But now that I have, it’s easy enough to pick them back up again and start righting the ship. I’m still working on my physical therapy for my hand and soon that will be done. Need to emerge from this stupid pandemic crucible with the rest of my faculties intact. That means admitting that the rest needs work and ACTUALLY DOING THE WORK. So tomorrow I think I’m gonna start a new routine, and see where that gets me. Adding in some yoga and meditation. Changing my diet. Getting more rest. and FINALLY getting back on the art horse. It’s well past time to do all of these things.

Amazing how just reading a little advertisement can sometimes, if timed well and framed effectively, can actually remind you what is really important. Thanks LEGO!

Half Century Birthday Postopalooza!

Weather: Oh dear gods, it’s been icy and rainy and cold and weird for DAYS now!

Yup, it’s my birthday today. Fifty years old. My fingers actually creaked as I typed that. (I kid! Honestly I don’t feel remotely that age, so I suppose that’s a good thing.) 

Fifty years. I was born in 1967. It seems like so long ago and yet, not so much. What really puts weight on the years is that I remember events that current college students only read about in text books. I get that weary head shake thing that my parents used to do when I argued with them from books versus things they experienced first hand.

I get it. I really do. Not that the events were more or less awful or fantastic than the events that happen today. I don’t suffer from nostalgia in either direction.  But it’s the subtle difference of watching events unfold in front of you with all the context of being alive at the time, and reading think pieces by people who filter events through current lenses.

We tend to look backwards with a cursory eye, castigating earlier times with a sniffy condescension or raising them well above their deserved level of wonderful. Neither is right. But the babies born now will do the same to our current era, and the cycle continues.

The things that strike me now are less “old person shouts angrily at sky” and more “I’ve seen some shit, man. This is just the same shit with different set dressing.”

Maybe it’s just the shortening of our collective attention span or the voluminous stream of unexamined information that vomits all over us everyday.  I just see a lot of people being very focused on current events – VERY FOCUSED – until something else pushes it aside as the new important thing. I’m not immune, but I’m finding my tolerance for wading into a constant stream of anger and outrage does little to elevate my understanding of things, mostly because emotions can come at the expense of facts. Not always. Not every time. Just often enough that I’ve started just walking away.

Maybe it’s just the weariness that comes from years of trying to dig that old silver lining out of the big black fart cloud that people just keep adding to in lieu of helping you look for the shiny. It’s not blind optimism or false hope I’m trying to excavate, but a way to find a kernel of useful information that might help cut the cloud down to a manageable size. Sometimes there’re more options than just yelling at strangers or going along to get along. Most people think either of those options accomplish more than they actually do. Awareness is their purported goal, but it’s hard to be aware when four different people are yelling at you that their cause is the most important.

SO — this is turning into a rather sobering birthday post, huh?

Well, here’s something for happier thoughts. My goals for this year seem to keep circling back to a few specific things- firstly, I want to focus hard on getting back in shape. At least a shape other than round and squishy.  If I’m gonna last another half century, which I fully intend to, I’m gonna need to get this flesh suit into better shape.
Another thing I’m going to focus hard on is increasing my creative output. Last year there was a dearth of projects on my part, and the truth is I was in a weird distracted head space that comes from applied laziness and worry. There were other mitigating circumstances, but they would be excuses, and I’m kinda done with excuses.
I’m going to pick my battles this year. So I’m hoping people will not be offended if I sit out various stages of culture wars or trying to maintain a constant state of anger at every little thing that drifts across my timeline. Wasted a lot of time and energy I didn’t have to spare on that. There are plenty of people to fight other battles, so I’m not going to jump in on every single one of them.

One thing though -and this is something I wish more people would consider- A lot of people who you assume are ignoring important situations that are happening in this country, are in fact doing a lot of the warfare offline. Sometimes the most effective progress can be made where there are no eyes on you. Making phone calls to people. Showing up to talk to people. Sharing good info is always helpful, yes, but a thousand people unexpectedly making a phone call to an office will do more good than a thousand people signing an online petition.

If there is one thing that I’ve learned over the years, and it’s been a very harsh lesson to learn, has been to pause before saying or posting things. Verify that what you are sharing is actually true. Verify that what you are saying is necessary and not just noise. If 40 people have shared something, are you actually informing anyone or just mushing down the message in a deluge by sharing it as well? Ultimately intent matters across the board. Schadenfreude feels satisfying but is a hollow victory most times. I have no love for internet mobs, even if their cause seems righteous.

I’m going to try and make my next 50 years into something of a sharp campaign of being better. I want things to be better for everyone. I realize there are some people who are intent on working against their own best interests, and sometimes that is not something I can fix. I’m not interested in fighting people to change their minds if they are dead set against even listening. I’d rather try and set a good example, persuade people with good ideas, rather than bludgeon them into my way of thinking. I’m trying to be a better listener, and less of a talker. I am trying to be supportive ally and not a loud usurper. I have causes that I would defend to the ground, but I also am trying to let those who are better equipped or informed take the lead when it comes to discussion.

If this sounds like I’m defaulting to a passive state, you don’t know me very well. I’ve always found that sometimes working when eyes are not on you, gets more done. I might not get to claim any glory, headlines or trophies, but I get shit done when it needs getting done. I’ve always been a better shadow counsel than Queen. So maybe I’m not the loudest person in defense, but do not doubt my resolution or sincere investment in a cause.

So. Fifty years old seems to have stripped the thin veneer of placid courtesy off my personality. I learned a lot by watching Carrie Fisher. I’m no blunt instrument, but neither am I a coddler or enabler for bad behavior. I celebrate the endeavors of those who at least try to make the best of a shitty situation, but have no tolerance for those who would seek to better themselves on the backs of those less fortunate. I’ve got no patience for bullies or the histrionics of the over zealous, regardless of party, preference or fealty.

I know the next four years are going to be interesting (in the Chinese Curse interpretation of the word) but that in no way excuses anyone’s bad behavior. Mine included.

SO. Just to sum up my usual ramblings, I’m getting older, I’m less inclined to play nice if others insist on kicking the beehive and I’m striving to be the best person I can be, considering the circumstances. Hopefully that will be enough motivation and steel to get me through the rest of my life.

New Year, New Perspective, New Challenges. Hi 2017! How Ya Doing?

Weather: High: 38° This may be the first New Year in a while that has been unremittingly Sunny! I hope it bodes well for the year. It’s at least a good start!

So yesterday I posted my year end post, which as per expectation was about looking back. This is my new year post. It’ll mostly be about looking forward. 

As a lot of people have been already proffering up their goals and expectations, I see both some foreboding and some hope in generous proportions.  For myself, I am weighing in heavily on the side of hope. As I saw someone else say last year, Hope and Naivete are similar but not the same. Hope requires effort while Naivete is more based on expectation and assumption. So I’m placing my energies on hope for the short term, although I realize that in order for things to pan out in the positive, there will have to be some work to get there.

For my goals, a lot remain the same as last year: more art, more writing, better health. In general, be a better person. I am already working on the health aspect. (Took a  near 4 mile walk today. Yes in winter, in Michigan. It was cold, but sunny. No excuses.)  Art will start tomorrow, as I’m heading back into the studio. Have a lot of projects on deck and I’m being militant about not sliding into bad habits that include making excuses or being easily distracted. Time is a commodity I am not taking lightly anymore. I’m turning 50 in less than 2 weeks. Seeing people of my age bracket dropping dead of health issues in the past year has put a very sobering sword of Damocles over my head. Either commit to self care and make the effort to get things done, or accept the consequences, short and long term. I’m not willing to throw in the towel because it’s difficult. I rather like a challenge, though I will bitch about it in the beginning.

It’s also going to be a financial rebuilding year for us. We invested a lot of funds in house overhaul last year and this year we need to get ourselves a little more above water than just floating on the surface. (Sorry, living lakeside seems to make a lot of metaphors water related. :shrugs:) Some luxuries are going to be curtailed and some trips & expenditures we were contemplating may be back-burnered for the year. But, that’s the adult part of the equation. Sometimes you can play a little looser with the pocketbook , but there comes the time to pay the piper and you can’t put that off forever.

There’s a lot of uncertainty overall going into this year, what with political shenanigans and the usual global instability. But I think that part of my duty, as a good citizen of this country, is to be vigilant that rights are not eroded and that, as a nation, we don’t start moving backwards. I get that things like economics and foreign policy will always be on the pendulum, swinging back and forth, but I don’t agree that having all citizens of this country being treated with dignity and equality is something we should backtrack on. Moving backwards is despicable and only makes us look the villain, and rightly so, in the eyes of the rest of the civilized world. We’ve kind of fallen backwards in a lot of areas, and that is a little depressing. We’re better than that. We just need to realize it and work on it.

One of the things I think is going to be a big change for me this year is scaling back on social media. I’ve made this claim several years in a row, because I know it’s an ongoing distraction. Weirdly enough, I think it’s going to stick this time, only because last year was so unbelievably ugly that I was actually staying offline to avoid the fracas. Even people I agreed with were getting on my nerves. Social media is mostly my way of staying in touch with long distance relatives, friends and the swath of artists that I consider part of my community. Somewhere along the line, it turned into a loudspeaker of political and opinionated blather, until it was a nonstop stream of only that. I started getting bored, then increasingly annoyed with it. Now, I’m trying to decide if there’s a better way to reduce the signal to noise ratio or if I should just take an extended sabbatical. That remains to be seen.

Studio time is going to become a priority for me, because I’m totally buying into the art as rebellion idea. If the world is going to continue to be ugly, then I will combat it with the tools I have. I’m joining the #MakeArtNotWar Challenge this year. It’s a way to carve out time for my creative pursuits and keep me accountable. Also, I hope it will prompt me to blog more often, read more, write more and just in general generate more new creative output. Some of my fave people to interact with are musicians, writers and artists. Some of them wear all three hats (:cough: Ego Likeness : cough:). But regardless of their chosen medium, these people are always working, day or night, in the mood or not. That’s the work ethic I’m hoping to foster by doing this challenge. I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo several years now and I always rise to the challenge there. Now I just need to stretch that commitment out for a year. The nice thing is I can fold my health challenge into this one, because self-care is part of the package.  😀

So in general I have some pretty lofty goals and challenges on the ledger. But I’m already in process on most of them, so they’re not unachievable. The challenge is not letting my commitment lag.

Hopefully, people will be along for the ride, but the truth is I’m doing this even if they’re not. Hitting the half century mark carries some deep implications for me. I desperately need to ingrain some good habits now. Here’s hoping I can make the grooves deep enough to stick.

Mood: Upbeat, but tired
Caffeinated Beverages Consumed: 2 cups of java. Probably some tea later. 
Work-Out Minutes Logged today: 1 hour & 20 Minutes (walked 3.5 miles)
Listening To: Twenty One Pilots, Ego Likeness & the Hamilton Soundtrack on Spotify
Book Last Read: Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher
Movie/TV Show Last Viewed: CBS Sunday Morning & Sherlock (Soon!!!)
Latest Artistic Project: Writing:  Editing  Serpents Trilogy
Mosaics:  Holiday ornaments & working on  Nordic  Mandala

 

NaNoWriMo Day #20 – Deep thoughts are creeping out again…

Weather: Still cold- low 30s- but much less windy and the snow seems to have gone. Still, finally feels like November.

Thanksgiving is on the near horizon, and Christmas is not long after. This year has been mostly a garbage fire. Not that my personal life has been awful, far from it. But it seems the world at large has been fracturing, with long simmering resentments bubbling up and taking form in surprising and chaotic ways. We’ve lost a lot of touchstone people that especially people my age (late 40s) were hit hard by- Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen, Alan Rickman, the list goes on and on. I know that a lot of this is to be expected- as we age, those we look up to or are inspired by, age accordingly. Some will leave us sooner than we are ready to let them go. Doesn’t make the hurt any less.

NaNo has been harder this year for me than last. Didn’t help that there was a contentious (she said, in vast understatement) election in the first week of writing, and between the weather, and potential jury duty, and imminent family gatherings, and the usual financial roller coaster, the word making was a little derailed.

But I’ve realized in the  past week that as the particular overwhelming signal to noise disruption happening on social media required me to step away a bit, I’m starting to get back in touch with life again. I hadn’t realized how much the politics and associated strong emotions had sucked me in. The slow drowning effect, I suppose. Didn’t realize I wasn’t breathing or underwater until my health, both mental and physical started taking a hit. So I extricated myself as best I could. The concerns I had before the election are still there, but the associated din of outrage and blame and finger-pointing and gloating are not washing over me like before. I’m trying to take the “Make Good Art” mantra to heart.

Do not take this as me giving up fighting for things I believe need fighting for, but understand that existing in a constant state of rage and fear does not make for clear thinking or good judgment. I’m no anarchist. I don’t believe that burning things to the ground is necessarily the way to fix what’s broken. Yes, it requires an unvarnished look at how we got here, but I also believe that things can be fixed by a complicated combination of compassion, realistic assessment and taking a long view. By finding allies with common goals. By not demonizing those who would help us, though they might not 100% agree with us. By not letting things slide because they are difficult. And most of all, by not enabling bad behavior or derailing conversations because it’s “not going to change” or “it’s been going on for a long time”.

I’ve said many times before, I am not a fan of nostalgia. I find it annoying and unrealistic and cherry-picking, because the past is the past for reason. Yes, there were good things, but there were also awful things and you don’t get to gloss over the bad because the good things make you wistful. Too easy and lazy by a long stretch. I’m more for grappling with the issues we have today, so we can entrench the advances we made and work on the new challenges so we can move forward. I mentioned to a friend today that part of our problem now is that we are just far enough away in time from things like the Depression,  WWII or even Cold War eras that the current generation has no real connection to that time. It’s stuff in history books or things our grandparents talk about. (In my case, parents). We look around and say things are horrific, and by some measure, they are. But we are still nowhere near the bottom of the barrel of the Dust Bowl, or rationing, or the Draft, or being wiped out by the flu. (1918. Look it up.) We need to deal with our current problems, but we also need to get a grip. Worse things have been lived through and worse things have been conquered. Which should be a MOTIVATION not a way to diminish our worries or challenges, mind you.

(I see too many people minimizing others pain by saying others have it worse. That’s cruel, reductive and not at all helpful. Be compassionate or be silent.)

All the same, I think our historical challenges can help us face our current challenges a little more clearly if we put them in perspective.

All of this musing leads to story compilation. Taking a long view of history and asking a lot of what if questions when turning that view toward the future is how ideas come to mind. Will those ideas fix real world problems? Who knows. Creativity is not limited to fictional or artistic outlets.  It’s something I think we’ve lost a bit over the past few years. We do a lot of re-sharing of others ideas, images and creative output, but I think we’ve diminished a little by not putting our own creative output out there as well. Happy accidents and half-baked ideas can lead to solutions. Maybe not in themselves, but by providing component pieces to foster discussion or to build upon by others with their own pieces to the puzzle. Collaboration has taken a big hit of late, whether due to fear of ridicule or fear of having one’s own ideas co-opted by someone else or losing one’s sole claim to glory, who knows?

Sorry for the woolgathering here, but these things have been weighing heavily on me lately and I’ve been too scattered to compile them into something coherent. I suppose I need to take my own advice and start suggesting ideas and putting my creative output into the stream and see what floats and what sinks. Failure isn’t fatal. It’s just an idea that didn’t work. Trying something new that builds on what didn’t work, or just making another attempt from a different launch pad is not a waste of time. That’s how most things result in a success. We talk way too much. We need to do more. Discussion is fine, but ONLY discussion results in little. Awareness is good, but awareness alone changes little. No one is asking you to fix EVERYTHING or even to solve anything on your own. Don’t let people make you think that all the challenges we face are a zero sum game, that by focusing on one problem, you are ignoring others.  You can’t spread yourself that thin. But you can contribute. You can lend a hand. Make your voice heard. Create memorable images. Help motivate others.  Just my 2 cents on all this craziness.

Breaking the Rear View Mirror

Weather:  Well…it’s cold. And snowy. Proper winter for once. Been several weeks of temps in the teens with a rare 50º day shoved in there. After several years of weirdly mild winters, we’re getting back to A good old fashioned Midwest Winter. 

I usually use this post to note what has happened in the past year and start roughly graphing out what I hope to do in the new year.

Except this year has been particularly heavy on the downs rather than the ups. There’s been too much death, economic difficulties and negative thoughts. Plans fell through, depression killed a lot of creative output and yet again, the best of intentions collapsed under apathy and self-immolation.

The ups were less numerous, though I will say with much pride that we finally turned a profit at Einini Glassworks, which bodes well for 2014 if we increase our output and momentum.

So instead of rehashing the minutiae of the year, I’m gonna just smash the rear view mirror and focus on looking forward.

I’m making big plans for the upcoming year. I’ve sunk so far into a rut that I don’t much like the person I’ve become. Instead of lamenting the person who seems to be wearing my skin, and badly at that, I’m going to figure out what person I am going to be.  Not want to be, mind you- AM GOING TO BE.  Slightly more commitment there.

I had a bit of an epiphany recently. It hit out of the blue, as epiphanies are wont to do.  Something had been missing from my perspective for a while, something that seemed to have exited stage left when my creativity went on vacation. I rediscovered it when I started spending time in our yard taking seasonal photos.

It was a sense of transcendence, finding the sublime in the mundane. The source of my creative ideas had always been rooted in finding the interesting bits among the dull piles, whether it be a turn of phrase that sparked a story idea, a particular angle of a shot that made something everyday look ethereal, or finding a way to flesh out a visual from my brain into some form of practical media. I’d stopped looking. I’d stopped SEEING it. I think a lot of people have turned off that part of their perception. Because it’s always there, nestled amid the grey and ugly and boring things that populate our everyday lives. Cynicism blocks it. Boredom makes us gloss right over it. We’re skimming the surface of things all the time.
Because we’re in such a rush to see and know and read and connect with EVERYTHING, we miss the individual, the small things that fill the spaces between the big events, the shouting masses, the bombastic imagery.

I’d lost that quiet place in my brain where things take root, and grow. I’d stuffed my skull, from floor to ceiling with amusements, trite and banal, with anger at things I had little investment or control over, and with the dull cotton stuffing that inevitably accompanies reading the bottom half of the internet. Music had stopped being inspirational or soundtracks for the visuals in my head, relegated to background noise with a pleasant tone or a memorable beat. I’d literally stripped the color and flavor from my life. Some of it, I can blame on the resurgence of my depression, which always covers everything in shades of gray. There were enough crises that cropped up that escalated from manageable to chaotic that made focus nonexistent. I found small moments where I was able to recover enough clarity to accomplish SOME creative output. Ultimately, the biggest killer of that momentum was spending hours online, accomplishing little more than attempting to amuse my friends, keep up with every single post or comment or Tweet and playing the passive observer, rather than contributing anything of note.

The husbeast and I have lots of conversations. Mostly talking about what we want to do, what we haven’t been doing….and of course, what we would do if our circumstances were different.  So we talk and talk and talk and rarely act on any of it. He finally said the other day, “How about we shut up and do something?” And we did. This preceded the aforementioned epiphany, but I hazard a guess that it contributed to it’s revelation.

Something has shifted recently, birthing this need to be constantly informed, “up” on things…this dread of being left out or left behind. I know it’s turned this information junkie in me into something of a monster. I need to slay it, kill it dead. Or at least reduce it from Godzilla to an ostensibly smaller lizard I can cage up and put away.

So–intent for 2014. Regain my transcendence. Regain my focus. Make more things. I think I’m going to set myself a challenge to make something new every day, whether it be trying a new recipe or writing a new scene, creating a new art piece or even just writing a brain dumping blog piece. This of course means that I need to make space for creation in my life. I plan on cutting back my online time, indefinitely. I plan on cutting back on my tv time. Less talk more action, as the husbeast says. I’m going to do my damnedest to get out and experience the world first hand, instead of living vicariously through photos and videos online.

I’m going to be turning 47 in a couple weeks, and I think that’s as good a time as any to cut the ties on the person I seem to have slipped sideways into being, and literally face the upcoming year as a blank canvas.

The person I am going to be is someone I can be proud of, someone who will add new things to this world, not just idly sit by and watch others create.

So goodbye 2013, with your sadness, your dull detour into the doldrums, and your barrage of self-defeating idleness. Hello, 2014. Challenge me. Make me sharper. Make me MORE. I’m ready.