Anger is an energy…

31 01 2017

Weather: Dear gods, it’s been all over the bloody place,  maxing out at the 60s a couple weeks ago, and now we’re back to grey, dour skies and the occasional bit of snow. Makes for  a constant state of mushy brain.

Sorry for the lengthy absence. The current world situation , and particularly here in the States, has been a bit of a trash fire. 

The constant barrage of discomfiting news and the anger that comes with it can really put the dampers on your creativity, or just thought in general.

I finally started making myself go back to the studio, just so I could start venting some of that energy into art. I’m finishing up a pretty piece at the moment. Have a few darker, angrier pieces on deck.  It happens.

I find it hard to create in a happy little bubble when things are burning outside the walls. My emotions tend to bleed into whatever I’m working on, whether art or writing. I can sometimes look back at something I wrote a while ago and usually can pinpoint when there was a spike in emotion about things.

The title on this post should not be unfamiliar to my fellow PiL Fans. Johnny Lydon does turn a hell of a phrase.

And yes. I’ve been very angry lately. Angry at the lack of compassion and lack of simple comprehension that people are taking with each other and the consequences of their actions.

I’ve joked about punching Nazis. (I’m not really joking.) I’ve made valiant attempts to not reply scathingly to posts and comments by people who should know better. (And given myself chest pains and headaches as a result). I’ve agreed with those who are putting their money and action where their mouth is. (wishing I could do more myself). It’s a fucking frustrating place to be, stuck between just supporting things I feel to be right, and not being able to turn into Galadriel with the ring and just remove the source of my ire, for the betterment of mankind. Mostly because I feel that the ends, while ultimately satisfying, would not be justified by the means.

My path has turned back to my Trad Witch roots. Yes, you read that right. Sometimes, when you have visceral energy that builds to point of hurting yourself, you will find a productive means to re-direct it. Sometimes it helps just to aim it at something. Like screaming out at the open water, knowing it is not literally fixing things, but hoping, with a little tendril of black hearted wistfulness that it just might leave a mark on those that hurt you or others.

So instead of finding light and joy to bring to my work, I have Kali and the Morrigan and the Norn whispering in my ear, nudging things towards righteous anger and achieving balance through less gentle paths. Because balance will always be reached, eventually, and through painful means if it is resisted. The flow of things tends to the middle, not the ends.

Let’s be honest, things can only be pushed in one direction for so long, till even the most sycophantic followers are given pause and decide to dig their heels in. We have become, by large, a loud chorus for our own comforts and conveniences. But there are deeper, more primal things that we all share that will not be compromised. By anyone. And what is a mere inconvenience for one, is devastating to another. We have lost sight of that connection, of that imbalance. Selfishness and fear are awful bed-mates, and they will be the ruination of all things good. The internet, for all its foibles, has managed to connect us on a larger level. And that connection does not stop at borders or with cultural differences. We are, whether you like it or not, a global society. We do not exist in a vacuum and our actions, for good or bad, make ripples both small and large.

This is a very chaotic time. I’m trying my best to keep a firm grip on the idea that we will get through this, and better angels will prevail.

But I will admit that the deeper urge to lash out and shake people until their pettiness, cruelty and stupid myopic view of this beautiful world dissipates, is very strong. I don’t want to give into that urge, but history has proven that if you push people or belittle them with ignorance and spite for long enough, they will push back.
With more power than you are aware they have. Bullies are always surprised when their victim takes them out at the knees.

I’m betting on the angels, but the devil has his merits too right now. Pray for the kinder outcome. The other option will leave more scars.



Unexpected lesson from “Unplugging”

9 07 2013

Weather: Dear benevolent deities, we have achieved July Steambath weather. Upper 80s, Humid as hell. GAH!

So I took a week off from the interwebs. 

But I really didn’t.

Yeah, I checked my e-mail. Glanced briefly at Facebook. Glanced briefly at Twitter. The only real change in my habits for that week was I didn’t interact. Or respond. Made for a lot of tongue biting and twitchy fingers. But I got art done. And peace of mind came in the silence and lack of brain clutter.

The unexpected result from this, once I returned to social media interaction, was that I was suddenly, acutely aware of the incivility of people. Not that it was new, or even had increased in volume. The fact was, I had forced myself into re-sensitizing. I’d become numb to it to be honest, and I could see that pretty much everyone else was numb to it too. Oh sure, if things got particularly egregious, people reacted. But for the most part the reaction was the usual -“It’s the internet” Shrug. Advice not to feed the trolls. Let it pass. It’s not worth the fight. Let the bile and venom build, just throw a tarp over it. If we ignore it, it’ll go away.

While I understand this is the nature of a free and open internet, I kinda found myself really getting irritated more than usual.

So I made a decision.

I’m not allowing incivility in my life anymore.

Before I get a litany of “free speech” , “I have a right to express my opinion”, “I don’t believe in sugar coating…” BLAH BLAH BLAH — Re-read my sentence there.

I didn’t say YOU couldn’t be uncivil. Or rude. Or opinionated. Feel free! Knock yourself out.

I said I wasn’t allowing it in MY life.

Let me clarify.

I have opinions. Strong ones. Usually pretty fucking liberal ones. But I tend to keep them to myself for the most part. That’s been a conscious decision on my part. I’m sure people can infer where I stand on things by the nature of the pages I like on Facebook or the people I quote or the feeds I follow on Twitter. This isn’t me trying to camouflage my leanings. They are what they are. I just don’t feel the need to explain them or defend them to the internet at large. They’re my opinions. That’s it.

I know others have opinions. Strong opinions. Some that line up with mine. Some that don’t. Some that stand violently in opposition to mine. That’s also fine. My mum and I overlap on some things, but can get a little heated discussing others.

I tend to err on the side of you having a right to differ in opinion or view or fandom or anything. Frankly, and to be blunt: I really don’t care.

Even more blunt: I really don’t spend more than a half minute to read your rants or screeds. If I disagree, I just stop reading.

Here’s a harsh reality that no one wants to hear: I have zero obligation to hear your counterpoint to my beliefs. Just like you have zero obligation to hear mine. It’s a courtesy on both our parts to do so. I’m always willing to listen if your counterpoints are presented coherently, backed up with facts from good sources (not news pundits or “my friend/relative says they heard…) and delivered with the intent to inform not inflame.

Hell, I get annoyed by people I AGREE with when they constantly flog things with histrionics and flimsy at best facts underlying  their rants.

Also? I have little patience for conspiracy theories. I don’t place much credence in any of them, regardless of topic matter. I DO believe in healthy skepticism & not placing 100% trust in any institution or authority. But give me facts, numbers and not a series of links to websites with little of either.

So there’s my take on online posting  for the most part. Circling back to my point.

I’m tired of all the yelling. Nobody is listening anymore. We just keep shouting louder and louder, hoping volume will get us heard. We use shocking pictures to get people’s attention. (BTW– Showing me a picture of an abused animal or child will get you blocked immediately. I KNOW IT HAPPENS. I support a lot of aid groups to PREVENT it from happening or help after the fact. In fact, as one of my friends recently pointed out– WHO IS YOUR AUDIENCE WITH THAT? If you have someone on your FB page or Twitter feed who thinks that’s okay? You might want to reassess your friends. Otherwise YOU ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR AND MERELY UPSETTING YOUR FRIENDS!)

When I say I’m not tolerating the incivility anymore? Here’s my solution.

1: I’m going to maintain a level of positive and calm when I post online. (With a minor exception for squee, which is inevitably positive for the most part anyway) If something angers me, I will do my best to post only some way to take action on it, not just grouse, grumble or bitch about it. All that results in is a choir of “I’m pissed too” which doesn’t do anything to FIX it.

2: If you are on my feed and are constantly posting political, religious or personal rants? If they’re civil and presenting facts, fine. If they consist of “Everyone opposite me is an asshole” or “I dislike a thing and anyone who likes that thing is an idiot”? I’ll hide your post. Twice. Third time, I’m dropping you. I don’t care if we’ve been friends for years or family. NOTE: I AM NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO POST OR HOW TO POST IT, I’m just saying I don’t want that shit on my timeline anymore. You can continue to vent your spleen or share your views. I just won’t be part of your audience. I’m fairly certain you won’t notice my absence.

3.: I have a zero tolerance position on implied abuse of children/animals, bigotry, homophobia, religion bashing, or misogyny. ZERO. I give two shits if you think that’s overly PC or that I lack a sense of humor. If you find any of those things funny? You’re probably right about my sense of humor.  Again, I’m not telling you to stop posting those things. Carry on. I just won’t be around to “enjoy” them.

4:  I’M NOT ASKING ANYONE ELSE TO JOIN ME IN THIS. Free world and free will, all that stuff. As a human being living in this increasingly awful environment, I’m simply making the choice to live differently. More positive. More civil. And if I need to express dismay at something, I will do so when I am calm and do so reasonably.

And no, I don’t care what you think about this. I don’t care if you think it will make a difference. I don’t care if you’re offended by what I’ve said above.  I DO NOT CARE.

And don’t think that I’m not amused that I’m making this announcement in a blog post. Didn’t say I won’t have my contrary moments.

The reason why I’m using a blog post to share this? I just want people to be aware of why I may no longer be on their friends-list or following them anymore.

Ultimately, I just want to get my brain away from triggery things and negativity that I have zero control over fixing. Because, shock of all shocks, I’m a fixer. I’m far too empathetic for my own good, and I can only absorb so much of other people’s indiscriminate anger and venom before I have to walk away.

I have a lot of major life changes facing me right now, and to be blunt, one last time, I don’t have time to waste on internet drama anymore.  I’d rather enjoy things and make things and do what I can to get things to change for the better. Raise people up rather than tear them down. Spotlight people who do good rather than focus only on the bad.

So, only positive or productive interactions going forward. I’m sure the internet, and the world, will spin ever on without my having to know everything about EVERYTHING. If I can help someone I will. If I can stop something bad, I will do what I can. But I’m done talking this shit to death. Will my attempts here change things? Maybe. Maybe not. But you know what definitely WON’T change things? Shrugging and accepting that that’s just the way things are.

I promise my next blog post will be more substantial and contain actual art & writing content. 🙂

Zomg! Spring in February!

10 02 2009

Weather: High: 64 degrees!! 64 I SAY!! And partly sunny with WIIIINNND!!

SO yeah. Really inseasonably warm today. Wore a long sleeved Polo under a hoodie (Black Abney Park FTW!) to work today. And was sweating a bit by the time I got to work.

Spent my morning putting out fires and doing a lot of data entry (which will peobably come home with me again tonight. Yes, will be doing data entry while watching Fringe and Leverage. Should be interesting).

Lunch hour was spent reading the first chapter of Turn Coat (Dresden Files Book #11) at Jim Butcher’s Website. I find myself doing a lot of reading at people’s websites lately. I’ve been reading Out of the Dark and Grimoire at Phaedra’s site as well. There’s so much good fiction out there to read. And honestly, the urban fantasy/horror genre is really my favorite. I’m not really a sci-fi girl. The heavy tech sci-fi especially doesn’t do much for me.  So you’ll see me reading more Hamilton/Gaiman/Kiernan/Weldon/Barker/Butcher, than the standard sci fi set.

Facebook is hooking me back up with people I haven’t talked to or seen in well over 20 years. And I have to admit, I’m enjoying it. 🙂

Mum is getting ready to take a trip out to California to visit my Uncle Gorm in Sacramento and some friends in the SoCal area. I think she’s beginning to dread the amount of driving she’s going to have in store. Still, I think she needs to do this. She’s not really left the house or done anything for herself since Dad passed in 2006.  So she’s due.

I’ll hopefully get some writing done on the train ride home tonight. Still have some loose ends to tie up in the story. And an ending to write. Sigh.

I’m getting really kind of blah on the news. Have to admit though, I actually watched all of Obama’s speech last night and felt a glimmer of hope there. Kind of nice to have a president who actually can respond to questions without resorting to “Aww shucks!” folksy responses or fear tactics. He sounded presidential and like a statesman. People were actually complaining that he gave long thorough answers to the questions.  I think they’d gotten too used to the short and completly uninformative responses from the Shrub.

Just a small mini-rant today. Can people in the news industry (and I include the entertainment news as well) PLEASE for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY do some frikking fact checking?? If I had a dime for all the times I’ve seen Coraline mentioned as a TIM BURTON film, I’d be able to pay our mortgage for a month…granted in dimes, but that’s beside the point. Coraline was directed by HENRY SELICK who also directed Nightmare Before Christmas. ( Burton produced there.)  To say anything else is insulting to Selick. Burton had ZERO to do with Coraline. ZERO.  This is a SIMPLE AND EASY THING TO CHECK, people.

This is just one example though. I think under Bush (and mind you I’m not saying he’s at fault here, just it was that time frame) reporters got extremely lazy. News had become about the sound bite and the velocity with which news hit the airwaves. Retractions were the back up if you reported something incorrect. And when did opinion become the same as reporting facts? GRR! I took journalism in college, y’all. You are NOT DOING IT RIGHT! So just for the sake of what little shred of respect we still have for you, CHECK YOUR DAMN FACTS!! Nuff said.

Gonna head home now. Data entry to do and a husband to snog. 🙂

Here’s a vid for a song that has been going through my head a lot lately:
Because I Want You– Placebo
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Back to the grind with a new attitude…

9 02 2009

Weather:  High: 52 Degrees and rainy this pm. Schizophrenic. It was 36 degrees when I walked to work this morning.

Weather is reflecting my mood, but that’s nothing new.

Went to see Coraline over the weekend and it was FANTASTIC. Brian loved it as well. Was glad to see they did justice to the book, even the added character of Wyborne didn’t feel arbitrary. Visually stunning and very creepy in parts. WE were in a packed theater with a ton of 8- 10 year olds who were quiet through the whole film. Very cool!

Woke up this morning feeling much better physically, but still a bit tempestuous mentally and emotionally. For all my intentions of scaling back my online presence, all I’ve done is increase it. Sigh. So Today, I’m only keeping one tab open on Firefox, which is this one. And I’ll check my mail at lunch. But other than that, there will be no refreshing Facebook or LJ or Twitter. (Well, Twitter I can check from the bottom status bar– Thank you TwitterFox!)

Bri and I are both feeling quite feisty these days. I rather like it. The no bullshit attitude is getting things done for once. We’ve decided we’re going to do a basic fix up on the the downstairs bathroom. This means we need to get tile, a toilet and a sink. We’re not going to mess with putting a shower in as that requires too much work and we’re on limited time and resources. So we’re budgeting and figuring how we’ll purchase the stuff and how long that will extend the time to get it done. But we figure, it will only help the sale value of the house. We’re not planning on getting rich when we sell, but we’d at least like to make a small profit. (Our house isn’t that big, but it sits in a rather affluent neighborhood — we’re surrounded by houses ranging from $600K to a cool mill. ) Needless to say, if we can just get the cosmetic stuff done, the rest will fall into place. Good thing I married a Virgo. This house is in pretty damn good shape, even after 10 years of living here. Rugs are still almost new, the walls are in good shape and so are the appliances. So the real push is on to get things fixed…on a fixed income. Sigh.

Brian’s back freelancing this week and will be starting his first Master Gardner class on Thursday. Only downside is with it being in Crown Point, and us having the one car, I’ll be leaving early on Thursdays for the duration of the class. Wouldn’t be an issue, but my company recently instituted a new PTO policy and they dock down to 15 minutes. So I’ll be losing a grand total 2 days of PTO once the whole thing’s done. This new policy is because some people in my office were abusing the old PTO.  So everyone gets penalized now. Even if I left a 1/2 early, I’d have to claim it as PTO.  Sigh.  Anyway. My whine is small, though. As long as he gets to take this class and get his certification. He hasn’t been excited about something for quite a while. Not like I’m gonna be at this job for the full year.  Two days I can spare. 🙂

When we were driving home from Coraline yesterday, Bri and I both commented while we drove through the neighborhoods and the commercial districts about the complete disconnect we felt. We’re done with this area. While I’m not naive that every place in the world has the same cross section of people,  there are particular idiosyncrasies that are native to NW Indiana. A lot of them based in class and ethnic tensions. Rich versus poor, white collar versus blue collar, Right Wing Yahoos versus Tree Hugging Lefties.  It’s not all that uncommon. What we notice is the particular viciousness that accompanies everyone’s attempts to prove that “You’re not better than me!”  It’s this combination of insecurity driven bullying with the unfounded elitism that drives me nuts. I personally don’t think I’m better than pretty much anyone. I think I might be smarter than some, and maybe have more common sense than most, but does that make me a better person? Until I’ve saved a few lives or made some great sacrifice for the greater good, I’ll reserve stating that.  Maybe I’m just getting really cynical in my old age, but I really get disgusted at the way people in general look down their noses at others or revel in another person’s disgrace or downfall. Are there people who need to have their ego taken down a peg? Sure. But it’s not my job to do it, unless of course they make the grievous error of engaging me directly. Then all bets are off.

We have a problem in the country as a whole in that we love an underdog. We’ll cheer them on, make inspired speeches as they struggle, and even clap them on the back when they make something of themselves. But just as quickly, we are just as invested in making sure that once they’ve succeeded, we need to nit pick and critique their behavior, like we had some hand in making them, so they owe us. Such horseshit . We put our idols on pedestals, but dear gods do we crow when they stumble and fall off. Or better, we knock them down. How have we come to this?

It’s like the online court of review. You will find the harshest critics and worst dregs of humanity online when it comes to gossip sites and tabloid web pages. Now I’m just as fond of keeping up with famous people I like, for good or for bad, so don’t think I’m trying to monopolize some sort of moral high ground here. But the way people, even non-famous people, get torn down by their peers, or worse, by people too chickenshit to even use their real names, is just horrific! We seem to get some sort of morally superior self- righteous streak when we see some pretty model without her makeup or an actor get caught doing something bad. It’s like we use them to say “SEE! I’m better than THEY are! Losers!”
Like it matters in some sort of cosmic score board.
Online reviews of music or movies or books are simply a minefield of armchair critics. Now, I have a low opinion of most critics anyway, because who told you that your opinion trumps everyone else’s? Maybe that’s the root of the problem. Maybe we’ve become so driven to be correct or respected that we find the easy way out and tear others down around us.  Last word in an argument= Win!
I have no issue with people posting their opinion on something. That’s never been the problem. The PROBLEM arises when someone posts their opinions and then follows it with “and you’re an idiot if you think otherwise.”
See there’s the fall down right there. You have stated an OPINION. Even if you hang that tree with all sorts of factoids and snippets of OTHER people’s opinions, it’s still just YOUR OPINION. How can you decide for EVERYONE else what should or should not be listened to, viewed or read? Reviews are to give a person’s insight to an experience. To let us see something through your eyes. But to expect people to blithely go– Oh! Joe Smith hated it so I’d better avoid it because I wouldn’t want Joe Smith to think I was stupid and didn’t believe his outstanding opinion!– well…that’s kind of silly, actually. This falls back on my “No Guilty Pleasures” mantra. I like what I like, and I really give a toss what anyone thinks about me as a result. I like bands NO ONE in my friends circles or family likes. Same with movies and books. And it doesn’t make me rethink it. Ever.

I guess the nutshell from all this rambling is that if people could start distinguishing between what is opinion and what is fact, and what is IMPORTANT and what is TRIVIAL, maybe we would all be a lot happier. I’ve met some extremely MISERABLE people, and the one thing they all have in common? They constantly feel the need to pick on other people’s choices or prove that their choices are uninformed. They spend their lives just waiting to jump on anyone who likes something they don’t and try and make that person defensive about what they like. They quote statistics and facts and other armchair experts while ignoring the simple fact that they’ve just wasted all that time and energy trying to make someone else unhappy. Seriously. Where’s the victory in that? Do you feel better now that you’ve piled onto a friend and made them feel small and upset about something that actually gave them some measure of happiness? Because you needed to feel like your opinion was right? Sigh.
Why do people feel that if they’re not right, that their whole world will crumble. I admit I’m wrong all the time. That’s how you learn. I’ve had some people respond to my saying, “You know what? I was wrong.” with a snarky “I TOLD YOU! See! You were wrong!” Just rude. If someone is big enough to admit they’re wrong, don’t make them think it was a bad idea by humiliating them on top of it.

Okay, I’ve gone on long enough today. I need to funnel this verbosity into my fiction.

Parting note:  Before you give a friend a bunch of crap for liking something you find ridiculous, turn it around on yourself.  How would you feel if someone dressed you down for your taste in clothes, music or movies? Opinions are personal and based on nothing more than your view of something. You can’t make someone else take on your opinion. You can only share it and hope someone gets something out of it. Let’s start being nicer to each other.

On that note: Have a video.
Metronomy- A Thing for Me. Possibly the funniest video I’ve seen in a very long time! (And that’s my opinion! 😉 (If you want a copy-it’s the free video on i-Tunes until tomorrow!)
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Life at the crossroads…

6 02 2009

Weather: High: 37 DEGREES I SAY!!! HUZZAH! and partly cloudy. Let zee big melt begin.

Today is an interesting day in that I’m feeling the double edged sword of seething resentment and crystal pure clarity. Positive and negative emotions so very carefully balanced on a sword blade. The sharp side, I might add, so you can see the balance is precarious.

Sometimes you reach a crossroads in your life and don’t even realize you were heading there until you arrive.

Several things have happened over the course of the past few weeks to make me realize that some heavy choices have been dumped at my feet.  Most of these fall under the “Time to make a decision on what’s your priority?”. The rest fall under the “Is it time to let this go?”.

Writing has taken over the forefront of my life and focus right now. With the exception of Brian, this is what is important to me. It’s not a social or group endeavor.  It is solitary by nature and necessity. And I’m finding that people who are not writers, do not seem to understand this.  If I say I didn’t get my cleaning done on a Saturday because I was writing, half the people I know are “Cool! Good on you!”
The rest act like I’m just slacking and why couldn’t I just do it another day?
Sigh. This isn’t a goddamn hobby, people.  It’s not like knitting or WOW or any other things you can just do when the time allows.  When something pops in the skull and demands to get written, you have to stop what you’re doing and write it down or you lose it.  And you don’t just schedule an hour to get some writing done. I’ve had days where I’ve sat at the laptop for 6 hours straight writing and not even realized the time had passed. Other days I can sit for an hour and be done. There’s no simply setting an hour aside in my daily schedule for it.

Another thing that has come like a fiery epiphany is that I’m no longer  allowing other people’s issues to become my priority. Sorry, if that seems harsh. I’m quite willing to help out and listen to problems, but I’m sorry, I have a metric tonne of stuff I’m trying to coordinate right now. (A major move, career change, start a family, get 4 novels finished) and they are my priority.

The one thing that is chapping my ass the hardest is people’s lack of understanding where my work is concerned.
At my office there is me and my boss. We comprise our IT department. We are responsible for 100+ brokers (At 2 separate locations) and their PCs and their Citrix connections. Add in the new software we’re trying to roll out and the training to go along with it and a shit ton of data entry related to some new brokers who have joined our company recently, and yes, I AM REALLY DAMN BUSY! (Yes I post online, but I have 2 monitors and my browser is on one and my data entry is on the other. Therefore when something it processing, I can type a few lines over here.)
NOW. I am in an OPEN CUBE. This means I have 2 walls and no door. People can just walk up to my desk and bug me. I also SHARE this cube with another woman. Who sits 5 feet away from me. This means I have ZERO PRIVACY when it comes to my phone or in person conversations. This is why I don’t like taking personal calls at work. My family is NOTORIOUS for this. Also, if you call my work line? I have Voice Mail. LEAVE IT. I have  a hotline for the IT department on my phone that requires my priority attention. So if I say I have to go, I HAVE TO GO. Don’t get huffy if I hang up on you after telling you I HAVE TO GO and you insist on babbling. My cell phone is on vibrate when I’m in the office. It’s a moot point because I get shit reception  in this building.

My lunch hour at work is precious to me. Usually this is when I get a lot of writing done. And catching up with e-mail and bills. I like to take advantage of the T3 we have here at work.

Now if all of this is coming across as me turning into a selfish bitch, all I can say is this: Yes, I am. And it’s about time.
I have put everything I have ever wanted to do on the back burner for the past 30 years of my life.  I’ve said no to things I really wanted to do, because friends or family wanted to do something else. I have put my problems aside to work on everyone elses. I let my writing languish while I wasted hours on things that held ZERO interest for me.  I’ve let other people natter on about their problems, passions and traumas while finding that noone ever had time to listent to mine. (Brian being the exception to this.) I’ve let other people’s disapproval or condescension make me hesitate in doing things that I would have loved to do and now there’s no second chance on some of those things.
Life is not a series of checkmarks in a book. If I do something for you, to help you? I do it because I want to help, not because I’m SUPPOSED to. And I don’t hold that in reserve to require reciprocity. I hope that if I’m in a bad situation, someone would offer to help. I don’t hold people in contempt if they don’t “return the favor”.  Help is only noble if it’s offered, not obligated.

So, this is my crossroads. I can either keep on being the go to person for everyone and setting my own goals and endeavors aside, or I can choose the harder path to do what I need to do, following my own path and hoping that the people who matter come along for the ride.

::Re-reads what I’ve written above::

I think it’s self-evident what path I’m going to choose.
To mis-quote VNV Nation: Enough is enough, No has meaning. This is my line in the sand.
I no longer will defend my decisions.
My life is no longer up for debate.
My choices, for good or bad, will be MY CHOICES.
And if you don’t like any of this, you may want to reconsider associating with me.
I am a good friend, I am a good person.  But I deserve the right to determine my life and what choices I make. As do you.
Three Days Grace says it nicely here:
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Anyway. Enough spleen bleeding from me today. I feel better now that’s out of my head.

Understand, I’m not aiming this at any person in particular. The list of people this applies to is lengthy and most of them will never read this. It’s just cathartic for me to say it. Doesn’t matter if any of them read it or even take it to heart.


Back to writing. 😉

T Minus three days to New Year!

29 12 2008

Weather: High: 43 degrees and partly cloudy. Most of the ice is gone finally!

So…survived round three of the Christmas Crud, and thankfully seemed to have sidestepped the bronchitis. (Thanks Sandy! the expectorant worked wonders!)  I still have a lingering cough, but it’s no where near as nasty as it was on Christmas Day.

Have come to the conclusion that one of my major new year’s resolutions is to trim back the time I’m spending online.  I find myself spending many an hour refreshing LiveJournal and Facebook, almost as if I’m scared I might miss something. Truth be told, even when my friends are posting, I’m still doing a lot of skimming. It’s not that I’m not interested but the bulk of what gets posted anymore is like this: “meme, meme, joke, comics, meme, AH! A real post!, meme, meme,..”  And of late I’ve been unusually unable to come up with anything helpful or insightful to comment with.

In addition to this, I realized that the time I’m wasting waiting for something to come around to respond to, I could be writing. Or catching up on my reading which I am WOEFULLY far behind on. I have a stack of books as tall as me that I need to get through. And Movies that I got for Christmas LAST year are still waiting to be watched. We’re losing money on Netflix because we haven’t been watching the movies that have come through.  So lots of real life enjoyment and priorities are getting back seat relegation due to the Interwebs. Online is not real life. And a lot of my friends who are online have much more free time than I do for a variety of reasons. So trying to keep up with them is really not possible.  I think I’m gonna start a regimen of just checking my FList twice a day and Facebook  a few times a day. I’m gonna be dropping my Vox as soon as I archive my posts from there. I’m keeping my MySpace, but only because of the bands I have linked there. Most of the people I have linked on MySpace are on Facebook or LJ anyway. I don’t really post there or do too much other than check it periodically.

This is sort of indicative of what my New Year’s Resolutions are going to be like. A lot of scaling back and simplifying. Bri and I have major plans on our plate for the first half of 2009 and we’ll need less distractions to accomplish our goals, not more. Also, I’m going to start posting more about my writing goals and accomplishments. Time to start treating this hobby like a serious job.

ETA: Just finished archiving all my Vox posts…well the ones of note at least. And deleted the blog. One less thing to worry about. I’ve also printed out the manuscript so far. Ninety-six pages. And I still have 3 or so more pivotal scenes to write. This is gonna end up about 75 k. It’s at a little over 40K right now and I can already see some scenes need serious fleshing out. I need to just sit for one evening without distraction and read through it from beginning to end. And corral Brian into reading it as well. I have some other Beta readers lined up once I get a finished rough draft. I’m actually getting nervous about finishing the damn thing!

Bri and I have made a pact to keep each other on the path to better health come the new year. He’s gonna quit smoking and I’m gonna get in shape. My knees and my heart can’t take the excess baggage anymore. Besides, how will I be able to squeeze into a corset and dazzle the masses at Dragon*Con if I don’t start now?

Can’t believe I’m gonna be 42 in a couple weeks. Wow. Life, the Universe and Heidi. Too funny. Told Brian I wanted a REAL bottle of Absinthe for my birthday this year. WOO! Green Fairy time!

Yeah..I’ll be very happy to see the back side of 2008. This year has sucked harder than a $2 whore when the fleet’s in town.  Too much bad health, bad news , bad economy, family drama and crap politics.

2009 is gonna be “I’m sick to death of this crap and I’m taking the bull by the horns and MAKING it a better year!”

Both Brian and I are tired of waiting for things to fall into place.  Bollocks to that! Time to become masters of our own destiny. Sometimes if circumstances don’t wander by, you need to go out with a big ole net and a harpoon and GET THAT SUCKER YOURSELF. (Suddenly I have Front 242’s Headhunter going through my head! )


In all seriousness, I feel pretty good about next year. A little apprehensive at the major things coming up, but excited as well.

And maybe, the publishing gods willing, I’ll get something published next year.

Gotta dash. More later. And my big ole New Year’s resolution post is on the horizon. 🙂

Pre Christmasapocalypse…

23 12 2008

Weather:  High: 29 Degrees (Oh! A Heatwave!) and SNOOOWWWWW!!!  LOTS OF SNOOOWWW!!

I’m fighting a head cold. Gah. The stomach issues seem to finally have finally settled a little. But it’s like trading one piece of ick for another. Sigh.

Okay. The family drama this year has hit an all time high. There’s a huge part of me that is so angry with EVERYONE right now that I want to throw a grade A hissy fit, break something and tell everyone to fuck off. Seeing that unfortunately there’s no way I can do that without pissing off the one person I’m NOT angry at, that is Brian, I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal. Just like I do every year.  Again with the Sigh.

I realized today that the reason I’ve been falling back on angry boy emo rock is that I’m actually very angry underneath right now.

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