Musing on my birthday and why 44 seems…kinda underwhelming.

12 01 2011

Weather: Typical January High: 27º and intermittent snow showers.

So.

Today I turned 44.  ::looks at the number. Remains unimpressed::

It’s not a milepost birthday…not even a mid-decade marker.
It’s a perfectly non-descript age. And oddly enough, that makes it all the more motivational for me.

I have a bad tendency to place unreasonable expectations on certain age milestones. So far, I have failed miserably to reach the goals I set for each. It is on these odd, non-descript age markers that I tend to accomplish the most. I graduated college at 23. Got married at 38.  And so on.

So 44 and I had an unspoken “conversation” that went something like this:

Me: Well…I got nothing. What should I expect this year?

44: [raises eyebrow] See. You’re doing it again. That “expectation” thing. I am not letting you set any this year.

Me: [Flailing] What? No Expectations? How will I manage to get anything accomplished?

44: [Shakes head] Because that’s worked out so well for you in the past. How about cleaning the slate this year? I mean REALLY cleaning the slate. No carryover plans from last year, no lingering worries & doubts?

Me: [thinks, twitches, thinks some more] Well that might work. How about creating some NEW goals? New shiny, sparkly, ACHIEVABLE goals?

44: [whaps me on the head] How about clearing out all the excess crap and see what you’re left with? Ever consider that the things that really matter to you aren’t the same as last year? Or 5 years ago? You have a trainwreck of abandoned ideas, goals, projects and “shiny new things” behind you. Very few you saw through to finish.

Me: O_O Geez, 44! You’re mean!

44:  No. I’m practical. And honest. And…

Me: Right. You’re right. This year, instead of flogging the entire herd of dead horses who are not getting any fresher, maybe I should just clear the field and see what wanders in?

44: ::Nods and fades away. ::

So, in that really clunky metaphorical conversation, you can see what my brain has been dealing with whenever I try to set some goals.

Truth be told, my writing has ground to a halt. I have moments where scenes present themselves & I dutifully write them down. But nothing is coalescing. I’ve rewritten the opening chapters for Book #2 five times now. Nothing has clicked. I’m re-editing book #1 to streamline it a bit more as I realize, upon looking it over after a couple months of locking it away, that there WAS a lot to be cleaned out.

Here’s the truth. And it’s not really what I wanted to hear, but it’s the truth. I envy my husband. Because the art he works in is concrete. It has clear steps, from beginning to end. The creativity comes in the picking of glass, colors & layout. After that, it’s assembly & patience.

Writing has no clear steps, and it shouldn’t. It’s a nebulous, always morphing art form. The story can change and usually does at least a few times. The outcome you planned may not be the one you end up with.

And here’s my conundrum. I have several stories planned out. I have a general sense of the stories I want to tell, but the actual  fleshing out has suddenly become problematic. The main problem is I’m a math brained person trying to create art. I keep trying to logic myself out of plot issues when I should be relaxing, visualizing the story and letting it work some of the kinks out. I know there are writers who can do this, I just seem unable right now. I have tried all the usual methods of re-starting a stalled story. Truth is I’m not feeling very inspired right now.  I haven’t been able to concoct something that makes me go “YES! I want to work on that now.”

So, in the interim, I’ve decided to take a brief break and focus on another field I enjoy, photography. I don’t talk about it much, but I’ve been taking photos for as long as I could hold a camera. Not just posed fun shots, but arty nature shots and doing some different types of portraiture. I have a camera but it’s not the quality I need to actually take the kind of photos I want.  So. I’m going to invest in a decent mid-level camera and start taking my photography a little more seriously. Brian wants me to do promo shots of his glass work for his portfolio, so there’s a place to start.

I’m also thinking of starting some freelance non-fiction writing & doing a podcast. Not sure of the topics yet, but I have a few tendrils of ideas that I’m trying to work out.

So. There you have it. 44 and I have made a pact. No worrying about things that aren’t working right now. Go find another outlet until the block is broken. And if it isn’t, that’s okay too.

I have some big ideas, but it’s time I just started pursuing them, rather than make elaborate Gordian Knot shaped plans that ultimately sink under their own weight. Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention to stop writing. I don’t think I can. Maybe it’s just time for me to consider a different kind of writing, or a different way to share my writing with others.

How will it turn out? I don’t know. And that’s kind of okay too.





Wow. That time again?

12 01 2009

weather: High: 28 degrees and pm snow.

So after a dry weekend (no writing got done) and realizing the muses had bollocksed off to the pub for a long weekend, (grumbles)  I awoke this morning to two immediate bits of amusement. One, ZOMG it’s my Birthday. Forty-two years young today!
Second, the first song played on the radio when the alarm went off?
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Yep. Love when the muses come crawling back in after a lost weekend at the pub. Welcome back to the fold, Devon.
And don’t give me that whiny “but I have a HANGOVER” blather.
ETA: How funny is this? The band posted an update today of all days saying the new album will be done sooner rather than later. After a drought of news…ON MY FRIKKIN’ BIRTHDAY there’s finally News!

ON a fandom SQUEE note: BSG returns on Friday and Lost starts up again next week! Watched the special last night that was a half-hour Catch Up, and all it did was whet the appetite. Bri and I were just rapt watching it. We are such fan nerds when it comes to BSG. And Lost? Dear gods how long has it been since we watched the island vanish?? I WANT MY CRACK SHOW BACK! Add in that Fringe will be back soon and Supernatural is back soon and ZOMG! NEW LEVERAGE TOMORROW NIGHT! (TV Junkie, I am at that!)

BTW– Here’s what the hubby got me for my birthday.

Moonstone Necklace

Moonstone Necklace

The picture doesn’t do justice to how vibrant the colors are. And the moonstones are beautifully opalescent.

And the earrings:

Moonstone Earrings

Moonstone Earrings

Yep. He knows me far too well.

Neat thing is , in some light, the stones look green, and other light, blue. He told me it was like my eyes.

Yeah. He’s a keeper.

Also gave me a card that made me cry. The good kind of cry, of course.

Birthdays are of the good because of him.

Been gobsmacked at all the birthday wishes I’ve been getting. I told Bri this morning that I’m totally awkward and don’t know how to accept compliments and good wishes. It seems silly, but I’m better at giving than receiving when it comes to these things.

On an UBERSQUEE note:
Moonlight is getting released on DVD January 20th!

ZOMG! Josef and Mick on TAP!!! (I can hear the hubby rolling his eyes from here!)
ETA: Pre-Ordered it! WOO!!

Forgot to mention, and it’s definitely mentionable, the guys in SHortwave Dahlia had a gig on Friday night and they dedicated a song to me. ::is chuffed::
In the middle of performing “Loose Arrow”, Jack broke in and wished me Happy Birthday and the band broke into Temptation by New Order, which was dedicated to me. 🙂 I have the best friends I swear.

The video is here if you’re so inclined!

Anyway, looks like we’re under a blizzard wrning until noon tomorrow. We’re not due to get much in the way of snow, but the wind and the brutal temps are going to make for a not so fun commute.

To end this post, let’s have a little stroll down Moonlight history…
Vodpod videos no longer available.
::rubs hands together:: CAN NOT WAIT!!