The return of Meh Monday…

27 07 2009

Weather: High: 85 degrees & sunny. Possible rain later.

The weekend started off so promisingly…Sigh.

Friday was the Torchwood finale. I think my chest still hurts. That was incredibly hard to watch. And possibly the best ending to the best 5 days of tv I’ve seen in a good long while. I’ll probably get strung up by some of TW Fandom for saying that, but the mini-series elicited all the strong emotions it should have. If you didn’t come away from it hating politicians and the government in general, I don’t think you watched closely enough. I realize it’s fictional, but let’s be honest. The possibility of something like this happening, aliens aside, is frighteningly possible. We are a reactionary species. And our reactions don’t tend to be reasoned ones when something  threatens our families. Bluntly honest here, I despise most politicians. Of BOTH parties in this country. Most of the people that have been elected in the past 20 years or so have done so based highly on their charm and television presence.  I’ll take a boring candidate who knows his shit, over a highly polished and quip happy candidate who spends every minute on the microphone playing evasive games to avoid exposing that he knows NOTHING. But guess who we inevitably elect.  I can go on about this for ages, but I don’t want the vein to start popping out in my forehead again. Sigh. So yes. I liked Torchwood: Children of Earth a lot. And it made me take a good hard look at a lot of things ACTUALLY going on in the world. We really should be ashamed of ourselves as a species. But that is a much longer blog post than I have time or energy to write. Maybe later.

Saturday was nice and quiet and replete with housecleaning. And the evening was nicely rounded out by Being Human which is now my new tv obsession. Don’t get me started. I can go on about this show for a good long time. Nutshell? Irish Vampire. Adorkable Werewolf. Proper vampire effects. Lots of sex & blood & addiction metaphors. All things I hold close to my…heart. VBEG. Yes, this will be must see for me on Saturdays.
Here’s a vid on the Vampire “rules” in Being Human.

Sunday dawned with family stuff on the horizon, which evaporated thank goodness. So usual errand running and FINALLY some writing time.

Sat at the Dining room table, butt in chair for a good 4 hours straight. And realized fairly quickly that I needed to do some plot examination. Couldn’t really get my head around what was missing, what needed to be written and where all of it fell into place. So, lacking a giant whiteboard or a clear wall to stick things to, I MacGyvered myself a board by taking a large framed picture of  La Belle Dame Sans Merci we had lying around waiting to be hung, and used that instead. 🙂
My husband got a good chuckle seeing me prop this framed artwork on the arms of a chair and start covering the glass with post-its covered in my usual seizure-ridden serial killer scrawl.  (I swear that if someone wandered in and looked at my notes with an intent to figure out the ending, they wouldn’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch. ) So now I had a series of post-its with loose plot points (green), major plot points (yellow), transition points (pink) and final possible scenes (blue). Visually, it looks like a pastel factory exploded all over the picture, but it helped me a ton to see things laid out like that. As I’ve said before, whatever works for you is your writing method.

Well, water heater update: Tis fixed! (At the low low price of $600. Oy.) So at least I can shower when I get home tonight. Velly important after my 8 block walk in this sweltery weather.

I have True Blood to watch tonight and obviously need to put some time in at the Writing Cave.

Just saw the teaser Trailer for Dorian Gray, which will star Ben Barnes (Prince Caspian) and Colin Firth (of Mr. Darcy Fame). It looks exactly as dark and disturbing as the story warrants. I’m looking forward to it, practically salivating to be honest. Don’t know what it is about the whole debauchery side of the story that appeals to me. Granted the repercussions are well noted and the story’s message well played out. But I do have a part of my that revels in that sort of dark pleasure, even if it is vicariously. Gods know I write enough of it into my stories. Probably explains the vampire fetish, to be honest.

End of day has found me. Must close down and head for the train home.

Hoping for a productive evening.

—————-
Now playing: Midnight Syndicate – Witching Hour
via FoxyTunes

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Back to the grind with a new attitude…

9 02 2009

Weather:  High: 52 Degrees and rainy this pm. Schizophrenic. It was 36 degrees when I walked to work this morning.

Weather is reflecting my mood, but that’s nothing new.

Went to see Coraline over the weekend and it was FANTASTIC. Brian loved it as well. Was glad to see they did justice to the book, even the added character of Wyborne didn’t feel arbitrary. Visually stunning and very creepy in parts. WE were in a packed theater with a ton of 8- 10 year olds who were quiet through the whole film. Very cool!

Woke up this morning feeling much better physically, but still a bit tempestuous mentally and emotionally. For all my intentions of scaling back my online presence, all I’ve done is increase it. Sigh. So Today, I’m only keeping one tab open on Firefox, which is this one. And I’ll check my mail at lunch. But other than that, there will be no refreshing Facebook or LJ or Twitter. (Well, Twitter I can check from the bottom status bar– Thank you TwitterFox!)

Bri and I are both feeling quite feisty these days. I rather like it. The no bullshit attitude is getting things done for once. We’ve decided we’re going to do a basic fix up on the the downstairs bathroom. This means we need to get tile, a toilet and a sink. We’re not going to mess with putting a shower in as that requires too much work and we’re on limited time and resources. So we’re budgeting and figuring how we’ll purchase the stuff and how long that will extend the time to get it done. But we figure, it will only help the sale value of the house. We’re not planning on getting rich when we sell, but we’d at least like to make a small profit. (Our house isn’t that big, but it sits in a rather affluent neighborhood — we’re surrounded by houses ranging from $600K to a cool mill. ) Needless to say, if we can just get the cosmetic stuff done, the rest will fall into place. Good thing I married a Virgo. This house is in pretty damn good shape, even after 10 years of living here. Rugs are still almost new, the walls are in good shape and so are the appliances. So the real push is on to get things fixed…on a fixed income. Sigh.

Brian’s back freelancing this week and will be starting his first Master Gardner class on Thursday. Only downside is with it being in Crown Point, and us having the one car, I’ll be leaving early on Thursdays for the duration of the class. Wouldn’t be an issue, but my company recently instituted a new PTO policy and they dock down to 15 minutes. So I’ll be losing a grand total 2 days of PTO once the whole thing’s done. This new policy is because some people in my office were abusing the old PTO.  So everyone gets penalized now. Even if I left a 1/2 early, I’d have to claim it as PTO.  Sigh.  Anyway. My whine is small, though. As long as he gets to take this class and get his certification. He hasn’t been excited about something for quite a while. Not like I’m gonna be at this job for the full year.  Two days I can spare. 🙂

When we were driving home from Coraline yesterday, Bri and I both commented while we drove through the neighborhoods and the commercial districts about the complete disconnect we felt. We’re done with this area. While I’m not naive that every place in the world has the same cross section of people,  there are particular idiosyncrasies that are native to NW Indiana. A lot of them based in class and ethnic tensions. Rich versus poor, white collar versus blue collar, Right Wing Yahoos versus Tree Hugging Lefties.  It’s not all that uncommon. What we notice is the particular viciousness that accompanies everyone’s attempts to prove that “You’re not better than me!”  It’s this combination of insecurity driven bullying with the unfounded elitism that drives me nuts. I personally don’t think I’m better than pretty much anyone. I think I might be smarter than some, and maybe have more common sense than most, but does that make me a better person? Until I’ve saved a few lives or made some great sacrifice for the greater good, I’ll reserve stating that.  Maybe I’m just getting really cynical in my old age, but I really get disgusted at the way people in general look down their noses at others or revel in another person’s disgrace or downfall. Are there people who need to have their ego taken down a peg? Sure. But it’s not my job to do it, unless of course they make the grievous error of engaging me directly. Then all bets are off.

We have a problem in the country as a whole in that we love an underdog. We’ll cheer them on, make inspired speeches as they struggle, and even clap them on the back when they make something of themselves. But just as quickly, we are just as invested in making sure that once they’ve succeeded, we need to nit pick and critique their behavior, like we had some hand in making them, so they owe us. Such horseshit . We put our idols on pedestals, but dear gods do we crow when they stumble and fall off. Or better, we knock them down. How have we come to this?

It’s like the online court of review. You will find the harshest critics and worst dregs of humanity online when it comes to gossip sites and tabloid web pages. Now I’m just as fond of keeping up with famous people I like, for good or for bad, so don’t think I’m trying to monopolize some sort of moral high ground here. But the way people, even non-famous people, get torn down by their peers, or worse, by people too chickenshit to even use their real names, is just horrific! We seem to get some sort of morally superior self- righteous streak when we see some pretty model without her makeup or an actor get caught doing something bad. It’s like we use them to say “SEE! I’m better than THEY are! Losers!”
Like it matters in some sort of cosmic score board.
Online reviews of music or movies or books are simply a minefield of armchair critics. Now, I have a low opinion of most critics anyway, because who told you that your opinion trumps everyone else’s? Maybe that’s the root of the problem. Maybe we’ve become so driven to be correct or respected that we find the easy way out and tear others down around us.  Last word in an argument= Win!
I have no issue with people posting their opinion on something. That’s never been the problem. The PROBLEM arises when someone posts their opinions and then follows it with “and you’re an idiot if you think otherwise.”
See there’s the fall down right there. You have stated an OPINION. Even if you hang that tree with all sorts of factoids and snippets of OTHER people’s opinions, it’s still just YOUR OPINION. How can you decide for EVERYONE else what should or should not be listened to, viewed or read? Reviews are to give a person’s insight to an experience. To let us see something through your eyes. But to expect people to blithely go– Oh! Joe Smith hated it so I’d better avoid it because I wouldn’t want Joe Smith to think I was stupid and didn’t believe his outstanding opinion!– well…that’s kind of silly, actually. This falls back on my “No Guilty Pleasures” mantra. I like what I like, and I really give a toss what anyone thinks about me as a result. I like bands NO ONE in my friends circles or family likes. Same with movies and books. And it doesn’t make me rethink it. Ever.

I guess the nutshell from all this rambling is that if people could start distinguishing between what is opinion and what is fact, and what is IMPORTANT and what is TRIVIAL, maybe we would all be a lot happier. I’ve met some extremely MISERABLE people, and the one thing they all have in common? They constantly feel the need to pick on other people’s choices or prove that their choices are uninformed. They spend their lives just waiting to jump on anyone who likes something they don’t and try and make that person defensive about what they like. They quote statistics and facts and other armchair experts while ignoring the simple fact that they’ve just wasted all that time and energy trying to make someone else unhappy. Seriously. Where’s the victory in that? Do you feel better now that you’ve piled onto a friend and made them feel small and upset about something that actually gave them some measure of happiness? Because you needed to feel like your opinion was right? Sigh.
Why do people feel that if they’re not right, that their whole world will crumble. I admit I’m wrong all the time. That’s how you learn. I’ve had some people respond to my saying, “You know what? I was wrong.” with a snarky “I TOLD YOU! See! You were wrong!” Just rude. If someone is big enough to admit they’re wrong, don’t make them think it was a bad idea by humiliating them on top of it.

Okay, I’ve gone on long enough today. I need to funnel this verbosity into my fiction.

Parting note:  Before you give a friend a bunch of crap for liking something you find ridiculous, turn it around on yourself.  How would you feel if someone dressed you down for your taste in clothes, music or movies? Opinions are personal and based on nothing more than your view of something. You can’t make someone else take on your opinion. You can only share it and hope someone gets something out of it. Let’s start being nicer to each other.

On that note: Have a video.
Metronomy- A Thing for Me. Possibly the funniest video I’ve seen in a very long time! (And that’s my opinion! 😉 (If you want a copy-it’s the free video on i-Tunes until tomorrow!)
Vodpod videos no longer available.





Life at the crossroads…

6 02 2009

Weather: High: 37 DEGREES I SAY!!! HUZZAH! and partly cloudy. Let zee big melt begin.

Today is an interesting day in that I’m feeling the double edged sword of seething resentment and crystal pure clarity. Positive and negative emotions so very carefully balanced on a sword blade. The sharp side, I might add, so you can see the balance is precarious.

Sometimes you reach a crossroads in your life and don’t even realize you were heading there until you arrive.

Several things have happened over the course of the past few weeks to make me realize that some heavy choices have been dumped at my feet.  Most of these fall under the “Time to make a decision on what’s your priority?”. The rest fall under the “Is it time to let this go?”.

Writing has taken over the forefront of my life and focus right now. With the exception of Brian, this is what is important to me. It’s not a social or group endeavor.  It is solitary by nature and necessity. And I’m finding that people who are not writers, do not seem to understand this.  If I say I didn’t get my cleaning done on a Saturday because I was writing, half the people I know are “Cool! Good on you!”
The rest act like I’m just slacking and why couldn’t I just do it another day?
Sigh. This isn’t a goddamn hobby, people.  It’s not like knitting or WOW or any other things you can just do when the time allows.  When something pops in the skull and demands to get written, you have to stop what you’re doing and write it down or you lose it.  And you don’t just schedule an hour to get some writing done. I’ve had days where I’ve sat at the laptop for 6 hours straight writing and not even realized the time had passed. Other days I can sit for an hour and be done. There’s no simply setting an hour aside in my daily schedule for it.

Another thing that has come like a fiery epiphany is that I’m no longer  allowing other people’s issues to become my priority. Sorry, if that seems harsh. I’m quite willing to help out and listen to problems, but I’m sorry, I have a metric tonne of stuff I’m trying to coordinate right now. (A major move, career change, start a family, get 4 novels finished) and they are my priority.

The one thing that is chapping my ass the hardest is people’s lack of understanding where my work is concerned.
At my office there is me and my boss. We comprise our IT department. We are responsible for 100+ brokers (At 2 separate locations) and their PCs and their Citrix connections. Add in the new software we’re trying to roll out and the training to go along with it and a shit ton of data entry related to some new brokers who have joined our company recently, and yes, I AM REALLY DAMN BUSY! (Yes I post online, but I have 2 monitors and my browser is on one and my data entry is on the other. Therefore when something it processing, I can type a few lines over here.)
NOW. I am in an OPEN CUBE. This means I have 2 walls and no door. People can just walk up to my desk and bug me. I also SHARE this cube with another woman. Who sits 5 feet away from me. This means I have ZERO PRIVACY when it comes to my phone or in person conversations. This is why I don’t like taking personal calls at work. My family is NOTORIOUS for this. Also, if you call my work line? I have Voice Mail. LEAVE IT. I have  a hotline for the IT department on my phone that requires my priority attention. So if I say I have to go, I HAVE TO GO. Don’t get huffy if I hang up on you after telling you I HAVE TO GO and you insist on babbling. My cell phone is on vibrate when I’m in the office. It’s a moot point because I get shit reception  in this building.

My lunch hour at work is precious to me. Usually this is when I get a lot of writing done. And catching up with e-mail and bills. I like to take advantage of the T3 we have here at work.

Now if all of this is coming across as me turning into a selfish bitch, all I can say is this: Yes, I am. And it’s about time.
I have put everything I have ever wanted to do on the back burner for the past 30 years of my life.  I’ve said no to things I really wanted to do, because friends or family wanted to do something else. I have put my problems aside to work on everyone elses. I let my writing languish while I wasted hours on things that held ZERO interest for me.  I’ve let other people natter on about their problems, passions and traumas while finding that noone ever had time to listent to mine. (Brian being the exception to this.) I’ve let other people’s disapproval or condescension make me hesitate in doing things that I would have loved to do and now there’s no second chance on some of those things.
Life is not a series of checkmarks in a book. If I do something for you, to help you? I do it because I want to help, not because I’m SUPPOSED to. And I don’t hold that in reserve to require reciprocity. I hope that if I’m in a bad situation, someone would offer to help. I don’t hold people in contempt if they don’t “return the favor”.  Help is only noble if it’s offered, not obligated.

So, this is my crossroads. I can either keep on being the go to person for everyone and setting my own goals and endeavors aside, or I can choose the harder path to do what I need to do, following my own path and hoping that the people who matter come along for the ride.

::Re-reads what I’ve written above::

I think it’s self-evident what path I’m going to choose.
To mis-quote VNV Nation: Enough is enough, No has meaning. This is my line in the sand.
I no longer will defend my decisions.
My life is no longer up for debate.
My choices, for good or bad, will be MY CHOICES.
And if you don’t like any of this, you may want to reconsider associating with me.
I am a good friend, I am a good person.  But I deserve the right to determine my life and what choices I make. As do you.
Three Days Grace says it nicely here:
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Anyway. Enough spleen bleeding from me today. I feel better now that’s out of my head.

Understand, I’m not aiming this at any person in particular. The list of people this applies to is lengthy and most of them will never read this. It’s just cathartic for me to say it. Doesn’t matter if any of them read it or even take it to heart.

ENOUGH.

Back to writing. 😉





T Minus three days to New Year!

29 12 2008

Weather: High: 43 degrees and partly cloudy. Most of the ice is gone finally!

So…survived round three of the Christmas Crud, and thankfully seemed to have sidestepped the bronchitis. (Thanks Sandy! the expectorant worked wonders!)  I still have a lingering cough, but it’s no where near as nasty as it was on Christmas Day.

Have come to the conclusion that one of my major new year’s resolutions is to trim back the time I’m spending online.  I find myself spending many an hour refreshing LiveJournal and Facebook, almost as if I’m scared I might miss something. Truth be told, even when my friends are posting, I’m still doing a lot of skimming. It’s not that I’m not interested but the bulk of what gets posted anymore is like this: “meme, meme, joke, comics, meme, AH! A real post!, meme, meme,..”  And of late I’ve been unusually unable to come up with anything helpful or insightful to comment with.

In addition to this, I realized that the time I’m wasting waiting for something to come around to respond to, I could be writing. Or catching up on my reading which I am WOEFULLY far behind on. I have a stack of books as tall as me that I need to get through. And Movies that I got for Christmas LAST year are still waiting to be watched. We’re losing money on Netflix because we haven’t been watching the movies that have come through.  So lots of real life enjoyment and priorities are getting back seat relegation due to the Interwebs. Online is not real life. And a lot of my friends who are online have much more free time than I do for a variety of reasons. So trying to keep up with them is really not possible.  I think I’m gonna start a regimen of just checking my FList twice a day and Facebook  a few times a day. I’m gonna be dropping my Vox as soon as I archive my posts from there. I’m keeping my MySpace, but only because of the bands I have linked there. Most of the people I have linked on MySpace are on Facebook or LJ anyway. I don’t really post there or do too much other than check it periodically.

This is sort of indicative of what my New Year’s Resolutions are going to be like. A lot of scaling back and simplifying. Bri and I have major plans on our plate for the first half of 2009 and we’ll need less distractions to accomplish our goals, not more. Also, I’m going to start posting more about my writing goals and accomplishments. Time to start treating this hobby like a serious job.

ETA: Just finished archiving all my Vox posts…well the ones of note at least. And deleted the blog. One less thing to worry about. I’ve also printed out the manuscript so far. Ninety-six pages. And I still have 3 or so more pivotal scenes to write. This is gonna end up about 75 k. It’s at a little over 40K right now and I can already see some scenes need serious fleshing out. I need to just sit for one evening without distraction and read through it from beginning to end. And corral Brian into reading it as well. I have some other Beta readers lined up once I get a finished rough draft. I’m actually getting nervous about finishing the damn thing!

Bri and I have made a pact to keep each other on the path to better health come the new year. He’s gonna quit smoking and I’m gonna get in shape. My knees and my heart can’t take the excess baggage anymore. Besides, how will I be able to squeeze into a corset and dazzle the masses at Dragon*Con if I don’t start now?

Can’t believe I’m gonna be 42 in a couple weeks. Wow. Life, the Universe and Heidi. Too funny. Told Brian I wanted a REAL bottle of Absinthe for my birthday this year. WOO! Green Fairy time!

Yeah..I’ll be very happy to see the back side of 2008. This year has sucked harder than a $2 whore when the fleet’s in town.  Too much bad health, bad news , bad economy, family drama and crap politics.

2009 is gonna be “I’m sick to death of this crap and I’m taking the bull by the horns and MAKING it a better year!”

Both Brian and I are tired of waiting for things to fall into place.  Bollocks to that! Time to become masters of our own destiny. Sometimes if circumstances don’t wander by, you need to go out with a big ole net and a harpoon and GET THAT SUCKER YOURSELF. (Suddenly I have Front 242’s Headhunter going through my head! )

HA!

In all seriousness, I feel pretty good about next year. A little apprehensive at the major things coming up, but excited as well.

And maybe, the publishing gods willing, I’ll get something published next year.

Gotta dash. More later. And my big ole New Year’s resolution post is on the horizon. 🙂





Pre Christmasapocalypse…

23 12 2008

Weather:  High: 29 Degrees (Oh! A Heatwave!) and SNOOOWWWWW!!!  LOTS OF SNOOOWWW!!

I’m fighting a head cold. Gah. The stomach issues seem to finally have finally settled a little. But it’s like trading one piece of ick for another. Sigh.

Okay. The family drama this year has hit an all time high. There’s a huge part of me that is so angry with EVERYONE right now that I want to throw a grade A hissy fit, break something and tell everyone to fuck off. Seeing that unfortunately there’s no way I can do that without pissing off the one person I’m NOT angry at, that is Brian, I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal. Just like I do every year.  Again with the Sigh.

I realized today that the reason I’ve been falling back on angry boy emo rock is that I’m actually very angry underneath right now.

Read the rest of this entry »





It’s a meh kinda day…

19 11 2008

weather: High: 41 degrees and WINDY!

Just a quick blog post today as I’m really behind on some projects and I spent WAAAAy too much time blog spamming yesterday. Apparently my brain had other plans. Read on.

Working some filler scenes for “When the Lights Go Out” and have been revisiting both Carrion Dreams and Dark of the Mirror so I can get back to work on them as soon as I wrap up this cracktastic plot-bunny-that-became-a-novel-without-intention!

Tonight I’m going to attempt to get the damn sewing machine up and running.  Yeah, I know I keep saying that, but I HAVE to get those damn curtains hemmed and up before the weekend. And I need to have the sewing machine running in order to get started on the Christmas gifts I intended to make. (REALLY may have bitten off more than I could chew there. )

Taking my mum and sister to see Twilight on Sunday. Hopefully if we make the first showing, we should be able to avoid MOST of the squeeing fangirl contingent. HOPEFULLY!

Had both Breaking Benjamin’s Dance with the Devil and Three Days Grace’s Get Out Alive going through my head today. Been playing them a little repetitively to be honest. Lyrically and musically they speak to me. Can’t explain why, but obviously the subconcious is feeling a little pokey and proddy right now. I’ve had so much emotional baggage on the back burner for so long that some of it has started tipping forward into the forebrain, pestering me for some resolution.  HAd a moment the other day that seems to sum up how I’m feeling. They’re putting up thehuge Christmas tree in Daley Plaza. I always make sure I’m on that side of the street when I’m walking to the train, because every day for a brief nanosecond of time, I can close my eyes and get a whiff of pure pine forest. And it fills me with joy and peace and a sense of “HOME”.
But as soon as I exhale, it’s gone.
Noise, exhaust, people bellowing into their phones, tension, dread and sewer smells replaces that brief blissful experience and I’m brought back to reality with a sharp knock to the head.

I spent the morning going through a lot of old e-mail, looking for addresses for my annual christmas card list. Instead, found myself revisiting a lot of old drama and recent friend related situations. Oddly enough, all it did was make me sad. I read all the anger I felt at the time and the interactions I had. And also the fact that some of the same people I made some negative comments about turned out to be some of my best friends now. It made me feel very hypocritical, seeing critiques that I know now were out of place. I’m not a gossipy person, but seeing some comments there in black and white made me reassess some things about myself. And not much of it was complimentary or giving me the benefit of the doubt. I know I’m verging on bipolar sometimes and I definitely exhibit behaviour that could be considered OCD, but I hate seeing that side of myself public that I try so hard to not exhibit. It’s an ugly judgmental side that I wish I could just do away with.

There are friends I’ve released from my circle that will never return, mostly because I have no interest in re-engaging them. Mostly because we are not the same people anymore and we don’t fit in each others lives, and partly because there are some things that cannot and will not be forgotten. I let time deal with the forgiving part. But as my husband will attest, I have a memory like a steel trap. I don’t forget things. I have reacquainted myself with other people who I’d distanced myself from for a while, trying to get to know them better now that some mitigating circumstances have been removed. And I’m better friends with them now than I was initially, whic does make me exceedingly happy.

I don’t know if it’s just the hormones talking but I’m having a difficult time figuring out where I fit in anymore. Maybe it’s age or just the fringe aspect of my interests, but I’m finding it hard to relate to a lot of people in my life, both online and off. Not that it has anything to do with whether they’re good people or interesting or a source of happiness for me. It’s more that I still feel that chilly gap between me and them that does not allow for the kind of connections I see in other people. I’ve always kept people somewhat at arm’s length, even when I hold them close. Doesn’t make sense I know. And thie past week I had some people disconnect from me, at least one because I don’t think I interacted wenough with her online. This raised a concern in me, but one I don’t really want to resolve.

I seriously would prefer to sit in a quiet room and write than interact with people, either in RL or online. Maybe it’s the malaise of working in a big city and a commute that forces me to be in close proximity to people I have no respect for or commonality with. Yes I hear the snobbishness in that statement, but understand, I spend the duration of my commute writing and conjuring stories and scenarios in my head. I am surrounded by people close to my age discussing why their marriages suck or how drunk they’re getting/got this weekend. I get weird looks and comments from my co-workers who want to know why I’m spending my lunch hour writing instead of eating lunch in the lunchroom and contributing to the glut of bitchy gossip.  I’m a 41 year old Goth/Steampunk stuck in a right wing conservative blue collar area. I’m not allowed free expression or, heaven forfend, any sort of contrary opinion. And yes, I realize not every single person around me is this way. But you couldn’t tell from what I have to hear and put up with on a daily basis. My head is crowded with things I want to write about. And when I interact online, I tend to do so when I feel I can contribute to a conversation or maybe offer some support. I am not a social person, though some would say I’m wrong about that. But I’m not. I do better one on one with people.

At least I can come home to a husband who is in the same boat, so to speak. He at least comes from a field that supports the personality and expression we both clutch to us so hard.

I guess where all this malaise is also coming from is I’m tired. Bone fucking weary. TIred of having to hide and defend who I am, what I love and what I intend to do. If I was in my 20s still, I ‘d be saying “Fuck them! Rebellion!”  But now? I just want to live my goddamn life. I think I’ve earned that right by now. Let’s face it, I’m not happy with the person who’s shell I have to wear right now. She’s unhappy. Unhealthy. And not reflective of the person who is screaming to get out.

Anyway. didn’t intend this to go on as it did. But there you go. The joys of online venting.

Gotta get back to work before I have another person go mental on me. SIgh.





I’m beginning to remember why I’m a misanthropist…

11 11 2008

Weather: HIgh 43 degrees and sleety/rainy conditions later. Yuck.

It’s ironic that I’m listening to Marilyn Manson’s version of Personal Jesus right now. Because I’m kinda reaching the limit of my patience with people who use their religion to belittle, demean and otherwise restrict the basic rights of others.

Religion is a tool, created by man, to give form and structure and rules to people’s faith.

Faith is the belief that a person feels for their interaction with their chosen view of the Divine.

Faith is personal, Religion is community. Unfortunately, Religion has a bad way of becoming political and too tied to the concerns of the fickle winds of social mores. Let’s face it, most religion has strayed so far from the initial tenets of the faith it is supposed to represent that it is almost unrecognizable.

I don’t think that every person of faith is a bigot or deluded or cherry-picking phrases from their chosen book of faith, but there is a loud, vocal and ignorant group that tends to be the public face of any given religion, that for good or for bad, becomes representative of that religion.

There are a vast number of people who remember that the basic rule within any major religion is to do unto other what you would have them do to you.

And take care of those who are disenfranchised in your society to the best of your ability.

And to love your brethren as yourself. Simple ideas, but powerful and healing ones.

But people seem to find it easier to practice their religion as a reflection of their fears and insecurities and need to exclude those who are not of “Their Kind”. It doesn’t matter what God you worship, or how many. Read your religious text of choice. Seriously.  God is about love. Loving your fellow man. Loving your family. Taking care of the world. And living your life as an example to others.

NOWHERE in ANY religious text does it say “Go out and make everyone be just like you! And if you don’t agree with how they live their life–MAKE THEM CHANGE IT!

God is about embracing EVERYONE. Whether you agree with them or not. If their lifestyle is not your choice, then wish them well and be done with it. No one has a right to impose their morals on you. And you should not have that right either. Morality is not involved with legality. There are plenty of laws to prevent the ACTUAL harm of others, whether by violence, or mental or emotional abuse. But there should NOT be laws imposed because someone makes you uncomfortable. Especially when the actions that make you uncomfortable are enacted in the privacy of someone else’s home. And are between consenting adults.

If you lie awake at night appalled because the gay couple down the street might be cuddling or the neighbors next door might be engaging in some sort of spanking games,  then you need to reassess what is really important in your life. Just because you have chosen to live your life by a set of rules that are a mere interpretation of someone else’s writings, that is your right and choice. But that is where your right and choice end.

Allowing same sex couples who are committed and in long term relationships to marry does not impact your life or rights or morality in any way. It will not affect who you are involved with, where you go to worship or what happens to your job. It will not affect whether your children go to college or have healthy relationships themselves. It will not change your marital status or take any rights or benefits away from you.

All it will do is allow to other people, who work and pay taxes and pay into social security and worship in your churches and serve in our military and donate to charities and walk their dogs and support YOUR political causes to have the same rights as you. Do you see why denying them this right is WRONG? You expect every person in this country to contribute and work and sacrifice equally, but would deny a segment of them some basic rights, just because you object to who they sleep with.  This is just absolutely the most RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT. You are hypocrites of the highest level. And there is no need for your small minded petty discomfort to be allowed into this discussion, which is NOT about religion or faith or morality. It is simply about legal rights. So GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Not more than 30 years ago, the same argument was being leveled against interracial marriages. I think we survived.  In fact, I met my husband (who I married in a church!) at a same sex handfasting. So I can honestly say that it never impacted my marriage.

Seriously people. Can we just get past this? We are rightly being singled out by the rest of the world for our dragging of feet on this subject. Other countries, who DO have a state church have given same sex partners marriage rights. Its not a political issue. It’s a HUMAN issue. I really don’t think that God ( whatever your definition) is gonna smite the USA with fire and turn us all into pillars of salt if we pass this legislation.

Anyway. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Work is dragging as usual and people are pissing me off. Needless to say, it’s gonna be a long day. I’ll be happy when my boss gets back tomorrow.

Gonna leave you with Keith Olbermann’s FANTASTIC Special Commentary on Prop 8. He says what I was trying to say above, so much better.