2015: Year End Musings

31 12 2015

Yeah, I know. It seems kinda rote that I’d post one of these retrospective, softly introspective overviews.

I do this every year. And sadly, it’s seem I say almost the same things each year. Learned Blah Blah Blah, planning blah, blah, blah, not gonna do blah, blah, blah…

Almost at 49 years old now. Not much that isn’t retread anymore.

Granted last year ended on a rather Holy Crap kinda note. This year? wasn’t awful, but wasn’t exactly great either. Not much can be done when the first half is in recovery from medical trauma, exacerbated with repercussions from said medical trauma. The second half of the year was saddled with apathy and anxiety, both really stemming from moving and financial woes.  But I managed to finally kick my own ass into gear and do NaNo this year, which I won early and blogged most of the experience

But weirdly I sit at the end of 2015 and I’m still kinda happy. Health seems to be in a holding pattern, with signs pointing to better things to come, albeit with some effort being made on my part. The usual emphatic oaths are being made about better health, more productivity, arting all the things and just in general experiencing life  in a much more direct, rather than abstract way.

If I had one thing I’d really like to change about my life in the next year, it would be getting away from my technological umbilical cord and trying hard to regain my focus on things. Living life through the laptop screen and via the phone is getting more unsatisfying by the moment. I love my friends, and do want to keep in touch with them, but that doesn’t require my full attention 100% of the time. I’m finding that the time my laptop is off and my phone is in another room charging is increasingly the time I enjoy the most.

The ugly side of the ‘Net has been bothering me more than it should. I realized, and I’m sure this says something about my getting older, that I’m no longer interested in being angry about everything anymore. Not that there isn’t a metric ton of things to be horrified and pissed off about, but I don’t think me sitting in my dining room, swearing at my screen has much impact.

Politics is a joke. While I fully intend to vote for my chosen candidates in the upcoming primaries and general elections, I don’t see how my opinion on anything serves to do any more than get thumbs up from those who agree or scowls and disapproval from those who don’t . Doesn’t seem to make any politicians, who I’m ACTUALLY pissed at, lose any sleep, or buoy up any one I heartily agree with. Until the election? I’ll put my anger on the back burner. Wasting way too much goddamn anger on things I have zero control over. (Already stopped watching any of the news channels. None of them seem to be anything more than forums for shit slinging anyway.)  Do I sound like a crotchety old granny yet? Thought so.

Not much was ever created by sitting around talking about it. I’m finding I really enjoy writing again. I prefer the longer format so I’ll probably continue to blog here when the inspiration strikes.  I have a lot of ideas I want to get done in the studio as well. So much to make and write and create…and none of it will get done sitting on my arse and typing blather into text boxes.

I do find I’m still as big a fangirl as ever, so I’m spending more time watching movies and shows and listening to music than I have in a while. That said, I find the drama in fandom to be tedious and the arguments over minutiae even more annoying. Just me I know, and I’m relieved to let others sharpen their tongues on those who disagree with them.  I’ll just be over here, geebling over my superhero movies and fantasy series. BEING HAPPY.

(And no, I really really don’t care if you hate something I like. I really don’t. Like, don’t waste either of our time explaining why you don’t like it. I stopped listening 10 seconds into your diatribe. And I won’t waste your time doing the same. There. We’re all happier now. )

Husbeast wants to travel more, as do I. We want to see the depth and breadth of our new state. We want to get our senses sharpened by the actual experience of things again, not the cold, two dimensional pretty pixelated representations. So that’s on our agenda as well. We’re hoping to get out of the country as well. (Passports needing to be renewed first, of course)

Maybe it’s the baleful fiery eye of 50 that is staring at me from yonder horizon, or maybe it’s just that both my physical and mental well being feel stagnant and dulled by too much time wasted simmering in anger or outrage or boredom, perpetually refreshing the screen and waiting for something to entertain or shock or frustrate me enough to make my blood start moving again. The things that actually get me passionate and engaged anymore are rarely found online. Entertained? Oh yes. There’s ALWAYS something to entertain me.

Inspiration? Double edged sword, my friend. I have folders and folders of inspiration. People share inspiring things with me. I spend hours on the net scouring for inspiration. You know what gets art made and writing done? I’ll tell you what doesn’t…SITTING AROUND WAITING TO BE INSPIRED. “Inspiration” is usually just admiration of others work, followed by the creeping dread of a beat down by the fraud police that you’ll never be THAT GOOD. How about thinking about something you’d like to see made real, or some story you’d like to read….and go make that. Without worrying about what people will think. Or will it be up to snuff. JUST FUCKING MAKE THE THING. Make it to get it out of your head and into the world. For that reason alone. It could be great. It might be crap. But it’d be a thing that only you could make and is unique because it came from YOU.  Anything else is out of your control or a pale imitation of someone else’s work.

I prefer the studio and Scrivener to social media anymore. I love my friends, and appreciate the crap out of the mentors I’ve found online, but when I’m starting to express myself more and more with “graphics with quotes”, and I’m finding that a larger percentage of my conversations with my husband are about people he doesn’t know online and involve language that is over filled with net-speak and meme punchlines, I have to start considering that my life has been taken over by the virtual, and not the actual.

Okay, this is less a recap about the year and more a diatribe about my net addiction. Which, yes, is a bit hypocritical considering the medium it’s being presented in to you. 

But then, maybe that IS what this year was too me. A barrel of contradictions. Health issues that should have brought about a change, did the opposite. Tragic circumstances that should have fostered some measure of depression or at least caution on my part, have instead brought out something a bit reckless instead. Or maybe, this is all a good thing nonetheless. I’ve never been a fan of the prescribed path, so maybe all these 90º turns, unexpected and illogical as they have been, were the seeds of a change for the better.

Regardless of the results, this year has been a roller coaster, and not a carousel. (And if you get that reference, I’ll give you a cookie.)

So– onto 2016. Not sure how you’re gonna shape up, New Year. But I have a feeling, no matter what, the unexpected may be  the norm and that, to me, is a big relief.

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