Recovery slogs on, with a few bumps in the road….

21 05 2015

Weather: Spring has arrived,  but by the Midwest Definition: If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it’ll change. We’ve been from the 40s to the 80s and back again, sometimes in the same day. Hoping June will be more stable.

So the title of this post is a little on the nose. Since I had my brain hemorrhage in December of last year, little repercussions have been rearing their ugly heads.

Two months out, I had my final angiogram….and had a massive allergic reaction to the dye.
Three months out, my hair started falling out in clumps. It’s started growing back in, thank goodness.

Now, I’ve developed a chronic hoarseness in my voice, which has been diagnosed by my ENT doctor (Ear, Nose & Throat) as a polyp on my vocal cord, which I am having surgically removed in June. After which I won’t be allowed to speak for a week. At ALL. (I’m going to have to tape my mouth shut. )

Other than the above things, I haven’t had any brain related hiccups. Maybe some mood swings, but not much else. All in all, I’m taking the ripples in the pool in stride. I just hope by Summer, I’ll have shaken off any more of these little quakes. Tired of having my activities curtailed, even slightly, by health foo.

Husbeast and I walked to Lion’s Beach the other night. WALKED. TO THE BEACH. (Happiest words I’ve ever spoken) Had our first beach therapy evening, watching the sun lowering over the lake. Sat on a bench, his arm around me. Was the most peaceful I’ve felt in a while. We stopped for ice cream  on the way home. I’m hoping for a lot more evenings like that.

I finished my huge sun mosaic piece that I’ve been working on since I returned to the studio after the brain foo. It’s not perfect, but it’s close to what I saw in my head, so I’m happy with it. I have three other pieces I need to start working on. Starting to see a trend towards geometrics and I’m playing with changing up my tessera cuts for different effects. Also will be working on my first 3D piece. Scary but exciting.

In general I’m in a good headspace about most things, though I’d be lying if I said I’m not going to be relieved once my surgery is done. Just want to get back to focusing on the art and the house and the garden again.

For a short trip into derailment, my thinky thoughts recently have been coming to the realization that I’m really too exhausted to be outraged anymore. It’s all I seem to see everywhere. Not that the topics being raised aren’t eyebrow raising or worthy of a good old fashioned shade throwing, but I just see some people spending all their energy and time trying to find things to be upset about. I know there’s bad in the world, and awful people. I also know that the media and politicians are out of a job if they can’t keep people scared or angry. I guess I’m just flummoxed as to why everyone keeps dancing to their music?

If you see something that bothers you, either do something to make it better, or step away from it. Yelling online and bashing people with the guilt trowel because they don’t get as upset as you DOESN’T FIX ANYTHING. Yes, yes…..You’re raising awareness. Just like the other 50 angry people posting the same clickbait link with no suggestions  or solutions attached.  Sigh. Tired, as I said.

I’m starting to see no difference in people yelling from the left or the right. Each have their boogeymen. Each have valid points. Neither seem all that interested in compromising or working together to fix it. (I’m mostly talking about the frothy extreme edges, not the mostly moderates that seem only bemused by the noise and are actually trying to do things.)

And I’m not just talking politics — NerdRage is at an all time high and fandoms seem to only be civil for one season before turning into toxic wastelands of death threats and shipper wars. I used to be amused by it, now I’m just annoyed. Everyone seems to have forgotten how to enjoy things. Valid criticism is one thing. Crazy entitlement issues are another. And don’t get me started on Tumblr. No seriously…There be monsters. Scary Scary ANGRY monsters. I’ll end this here, because otherwise I’ll accidentally mention something that will draw the nutjobs and I’d rather not have to dust off my ban hammer.

::gets the train back on track::

I’m trying to be patient, waiting for all the health detritus to shake out. But I don’t want that waiting to turn to “laying on the couch, binge-watching Netflix and letting the rest of my health go to hell”. It’s easy to do, and so is making excuses for not doing things that require a little effort and a little sacrifice. Money situations are not fixed by sitting around navel-gazing. Art doesn’t get made if it stays in your head or only on paper. Novels don’t get written just by talking about them.

And Heidi doesn’t get better by sitting around, hoping that her body will magically become well.

Everything in life takes effort. Everything. And as Kevin Smith has pointed out today, happiness is being productive. It’s not a destination, it’s a journey.  If you’re not careful, you’ll end up wistful and chasing the ephemeral idea of happiness, and miss when it actually comes your way.

Sort of disjointed writing today, but I’m having a kind of disjointed week. More coherent thoughts next time.