So THAT’s done……NOW what do I do?

9 07 2014

Weather– Can I just say how lovely it’s been up here in Michigan? We’re on average 10-15 º cooler than where we came from in Indiana, plus lake breezes. AHHHHH!

So….. As of today’s writing, we’re 100% done with our old house. Papers signed, all our stuff in storage, new owners are already re-painting the living room- DONE.

And with the year long process of getting the house ready for sale and the usual several month process of selling & closing behind us, I’m suddenly missing a large block of distraction and worry. The hole it’s left is…both a relief and a source of discomfiture. I have a ton of things I can focus on now, but something has me spinning in place.

Maybe it’s just a matter of taking a few days to let it sink in. We are never going back. The house no longer belongs to us in any capacity. A place that I lived for over 11 years (16 years for the husbeast), where I laughed, cried, fought depression and found joy….is not mine anymore. Mind you the regret is very small, the relief- HUGE. The neighborhood was starting to slide a bit. The location wasn’t really doing much for helping us get our burgeoning art careers off the ground. Too close to family drama, too far from the city to use its resources.

It was definitely time to find an elsewhere to be.

This weekend is the Krasl Art Fair in Saint Joseph. It’s huge. We’re definitely going, if for no other reason, to get a feel for the art community first hand. Of course, with not having worked on anything in months…I’m feeling a bit like a pretender, a hack if you will. Studio space is our priority. I want to find some part time employment, just to help out. Ultimately, I’d like to get to the point where my art IS my part time job, with writing being the other half of that equation.

Now I have the time and resources to do it. We ended up having to get a second storage unit because of the amount of studio equipment and supplies we have.

Also, as a side note–we have a LOT of stuff. We both agreed that it’s time to start scaling back on things. When we get around to purchasing a house next year, we’re gonna try to dispose, or donate, or sell, at least 1/3 of our things. If you own too many things, they end up owning you, as the saying goes. Time to part with things that we haven’t touched, read, looked at in several years.

My health is slowly getting better. I’ve lost a few pounds and I’d like to continue the trend. I’m well above what I should be. (Not looking to be skinny, just healthy. Knees and ankles will definitely thank me for it. )

Again… there are no obligations or distractions on the near horizon anymore. We’ve been putting things on hold or pushing them further ahead of us….waiting for the RIGHT TIME. Some were just because we had the house crap going on. Some were….well, those were just excuses. We could have been doing a lot of them now, already. So now comes the litmus test.

Are they still things we want to do? OR have we been paying lip service to goals, dreams and plans that maybe aren’t really what we want anymore? We have nothing keeping us from doing them now. Literally. Finances are always a concern, but that is the least problematic obstacle there is.  Will to do something? That’s another animal altogether. We have no excuses, none of worth. So why the hesitation? When the universe suddenly parts the stormy seas for you, giving you a clear path and a light at the end of the tunnel, why do you pause?

Part of my problem, and it IS a problem, is that during the whole “get the house sold” time, I got way too immersed in social media and online timesinks. It’s time to pull back on those, but the lazy brain keeps slipping into the old rut. That’s just lack of discipline.

Another part of the problem is parallel to suddenly not having a longterm debt hanging over your head and finding yourself with money in the bank. The smart way to view the money in the bank is money to save towards things we have been wanting to do- travel, invest in new house, etc. But the lazy brain starts harping–YOU HAVE MONEY–GET ALL THE SHINY THINGS YOU’VE BEEN WANTING! Again–Discipline.

Recovering time is like that extra money in the bank. You can either use it productively, putting it into things that matter (with a little fun on the side) or you can squander it on meaningless things that only satisfy an immediate interest that will fade quickly. So…need to spend the next few days building that discipline back up. I know what I WANT to be doing. I WANT to be working on art, working on my book, spending some time tooling around the town taking photos. Eventually, I know both me and the husbeast want to start traveling again. We haven’t taken a proper trip in about 6 years. Haven’t taken an international trip together….ever. And after 9 years married, that’s a shame. We’re both second generation Americans, with parents from Europe (Except my dad, but he’s only two levels shy of Europe himself). Our passports haven’t been updated in YEARS.

Depression and fatalism leads to a sort of woolen complacency  where everything you build up as an ideal gets put up on a shelf as a shiny idol- something you admire, but never really try to reach for and touch. It makes for a weary existence where you stop trying to make the goals happen, keeping them on the horizon as a happy thought, but not a reality. There’s a twisted security in not pursuing your dreams– if you’re not taking up the challenge to make them happen, you’ll never be disappointed or frustrated. It’s just a happy thought of “When _________ is done, we can do that”, with something new always replacing the blank space in that sentence.  Somewhere a while back I heard a quote that said something along the lines of “Every time you say next week, next month, next year….you are wasting time waiting for that imaginary time where there are no obstacles, distractions or challenges. It never comes.”  And in the meantime, a lifetime has slipped away, sunk in the dreary minutiae of other people’s obligations, demands and the low level fear of trying to achieve a goal and not making it.

Well, there’s the rub. The husbeast and I are literally in that magical place of no distractions, no obligations and very few obstacles. Yet we sit, looking at each other as though shell shocked. What do we do now?

Perhaps our better question would be, where do we START now? At least that gives us something to work with. Actually…Just saying that has made things look a little better. A new START. Perhaps it’s time to not look at the jumbled pile of put off goals, and unmet ideals, and slightly tarnished dreams. Perhaps it’s time to sort them into boxes, set them aside and put up a clean canvas. Perhaps, if we get let the Universe unfold as it should, with us remolding our goals and pulling out only the necessary components as we need them from the dream box….perhaps the pressure to do ALL THE THINGS will dissipate and we’ll find ourselves where we’re meant to be.

I’m willing to try that.

For now, I will make a start by heading off to make some phone calls that I’ve been putting off.

Then I will work on some edits.

Because discipline doesn’t just arrive because it’s needed. It needs to be built piece by piece, less like armor, more like chain mail, link by link.

Time for our new life has arrived and I’ll be damned if I’ll squander the gift of time and resources that has been literally dropped in our laps.

For now, the social media and the interwebs can do without me for a while.

Hey—-did anyone notice this fantastic world that exists outside? I need to go investigate it. Look at it. Experience it.

Till next time……Gonna go spend time here with this guy. 🙂

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