End of Year 2012: Assessing and Recalibrating

31 12 2012


It’s been 6 months since I last checked in here. No excuses. Life got a bit overwhelming for coherent thought.

Several things have coalesced in the past few months, mostly on the art & business front, but more on that later.

Looking over the edge of the cliff of 2012, I can see that 2013 is gonna be kind of a leap of faith situation. I really have no profound resolutions other than the usual get in shape, Art Harder and leave this godforsaken town behind.

Something finally clicked over in late November. I think that I finally reached that tipping point of straw vs. camel back with depression and apathy. I got through the stress of Thanksgiving, all that snowball effect of family obligation and striving for the Norman Rockwell perfection of a decent meal in a painting-worthy house. That was followed by the fun-filled stress of potential jury duty. Didn’t escape the call in this time. Made it all the way to the jury box for secondary screening before I was dismissed.

The next day, something weird happened. I woke up relaxed. This was a new sensation considering I’d been under a boulder sized pressure of stress for so long, I’d forgotten what it’s absence felt like.  I was actually…happy. Still am now. Even the usual Christmas stress was non-existent. Maybe I’d reached maximum density, and the whole mind-body interface just went  “NOPE!” and said fuck it.

What ever caused this odd and jarring shift, I’m not complaining. Now, the same issues of finances and pending obligations haven’t gone away, but I just don’t seem to all that bothered by them. Instead of fussing and worrying about them, I find myself focusing on solutions or options, rather than the worst case scenario outcomes.

Along with this newly acquired Zen attitude, I’m finding my interest in online interaction has waned a little. Not in the social sense, mind you. I still immensely enjoy interacting with my friends. But I’m less inclined to do the perpetual-refresh for news or fandom related stuff. Just not that interested in being ON ALL THE TIME. Studio time is rising up to take over that focus.

Writing has languished this year, but I’m not giving up on it. I’ve spent more time recently editing and making notes, but I have to be honest and admit that my mosaic work has replaced it as a priority. Being a hyphenate creative person is complicated. There is no equanimity in how the time and focus is doled out. It took me a while to realize that I shouldn’t be flogging myself for not keeping up with my more prolific writer friends. My goals and time management are measured by different benchmarks and different allocations. Again, once I decided to let my creative focus go where it needed instead of where my neurosis thought it should go, things started moving again.

I left my job in March, and I’d be hard pressed to say I didn’t miss the income. But I’m no longer feeling merely unemployed, finally embracing my self-employed status.

Einini Glassworks is finally starting to see a profit, and Brian and I are starting to see our little business find its legs. 2013 is going to be a big year for us. We’re hoping to have new digs by mid year, with much more accommodating space for our studio, and more reduction in distractions & extraneous unnecessary obligations. We even got interviewed for the regional paper. (They came to us, which was another thing that lifted us both out of the doldrums of apathy.)

So…no real concrete resolutions this go around, and I’m really okay with that. I have goals. I have ideas. And I finally have the focus & positive mentality to get both things on the right track. Maybe that’s resolution enough.