Pre Christmasapocalypse…

23 12 2008

Weather:  High: 29 Degrees (Oh! A Heatwave!) and SNOOOWWWWW!!!  LOTS OF SNOOOWWW!!

I’m fighting a head cold. Gah. The stomach issues seem to finally have finally settled a little. But it’s like trading one piece of ick for another. Sigh.

Okay. The family drama this year has hit an all time high. There’s a huge part of me that is so angry with EVERYONE right now that I want to throw a grade A hissy fit, break something and tell everyone to fuck off. Seeing that unfortunately there’s no way I can do that without pissing off the one person I’m NOT angry at, that is Brian, I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal. Just like I do every year.  Again with the Sigh.

I realized today that the reason I’ve been falling back on angry boy emo rock is that I’m actually very angry underneath right now.

All the resentment I’ve felt over the past few years has finally bubbled it’s way out of the Tupperware. The self pity has caved under the weight of it.  Lately I just want to hit something. Or fuck it. (Well, one specific thing, but that’s besides the point.  ::gives Husband the Look::) Just all this dark angry energy.  I’ve managed to sublimate a lot of it into my writing, but that will only take so much.  I’m turning into a very bitter person and I really don’t want to be that. I don’t want Brian to have to deal with that. But right now, I pretty much have no use for anyone. And I know that’s my problem to deal with.

Let’s hope that after the holidays I can sit down and sort through what ever it is that’s fucking me up right now. Because I’m afraid of what I’m capable of if someone pushes me too much further. And I don’t mean violence, so don’t freak out. I’d never ever harm anyone that way, even if I joke about it. But words can do as much damage, and I know how to wield a sharp turn of phrase so it cuts deep and wounds badly.

I need to be away from here for a while. And I need some other way than online venting and writing to deal with my anger.

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