It’s a meh kinda day…

19 11 2008

weather: High: 41 degrees and WINDY!

Just a quick blog post today as I’m really behind on some projects and I spent WAAAAy too much time blog spamming yesterday. Apparently my brain had other plans. Read on.

Working some filler scenes for “When the Lights Go Out” and have been revisiting both Carrion Dreams and Dark of the Mirror so I can get back to work on them as soon as I wrap up this cracktastic plot-bunny-that-became-a-novel-without-intention!

Tonight I’m going to attempt to get the damn sewing machine up and running.  Yeah, I know I keep saying that, but I HAVE to get those damn curtains hemmed and up before the weekend. And I need to have the sewing machine running in order to get started on the Christmas gifts I intended to make. (REALLY may have bitten off more than I could chew there. )

Taking my mum and sister to see Twilight on Sunday. Hopefully if we make the first showing, we should be able to avoid MOST of the squeeing fangirl contingent. HOPEFULLY!

Had both Breaking Benjamin’s Dance with the Devil and Three Days Grace’s Get Out Alive going through my head today. Been playing them a little repetitively to be honest. Lyrically and musically they speak to me. Can’t explain why, but obviously the subconcious is feeling a little pokey and proddy right now. I’ve had so much emotional baggage on the back burner for so long that some of it has started tipping forward into the forebrain, pestering me for some resolution.  HAd a moment the other day that seems to sum up how I’m feeling. They’re putting up thehuge Christmas tree in Daley Plaza. I always make sure I’m on that side of the street when I’m walking to the train, because every day for a brief nanosecond of time, I can close my eyes and get a whiff of pure pine forest. And it fills me with joy and peace and a sense of “HOME”.
But as soon as I exhale, it’s gone.
Noise, exhaust, people bellowing into their phones, tension, dread and sewer smells replaces that brief blissful experience and I’m brought back to reality with a sharp knock to the head.

I spent the morning going through a lot of old e-mail, looking for addresses for my annual christmas card list. Instead, found myself revisiting a lot of old drama and recent friend related situations. Oddly enough, all it did was make me sad. I read all the anger I felt at the time and the interactions I had. And also the fact that some of the same people I made some negative comments about turned out to be some of my best friends now. It made me feel very hypocritical, seeing critiques that I know now were out of place. I’m not a gossipy person, but seeing some comments there in black and white made me reassess some things about myself. And not much of it was complimentary or giving me the benefit of the doubt. I know I’m verging on bipolar sometimes and I definitely exhibit behaviour that could be considered OCD, but I hate seeing that side of myself public that I try so hard to not exhibit. It’s an ugly judgmental side that I wish I could just do away with.

There are friends I’ve released from my circle that will never return, mostly because I have no interest in re-engaging them. Mostly because we are not the same people anymore and we don’t fit in each others lives, and partly because there are some things that cannot and will not be forgotten. I let time deal with the forgiving part. But as my husband will attest, I have a memory like a steel trap. I don’t forget things. I have reacquainted myself with other people who I’d distanced myself from for a while, trying to get to know them better now that some mitigating circumstances have been removed. And I’m better friends with them now than I was initially, whic does make me exceedingly happy.

I don’t know if it’s just the hormones talking but I’m having a difficult time figuring out where I fit in anymore. Maybe it’s age or just the fringe aspect of my interests, but I’m finding it hard to relate to a lot of people in my life, both online and off. Not that it has anything to do with whether they’re good people or interesting or a source of happiness for me. It’s more that I still feel that chilly gap between me and them that does not allow for the kind of connections I see in other people. I’ve always kept people somewhat at arm’s length, even when I hold them close. Doesn’t make sense I know. And thie past week I had some people disconnect from me, at least one because I don’t think I interacted wenough with her online. This raised a concern in me, but one I don’t really want to resolve.

I seriously would prefer to sit in a quiet room and write than interact with people, either in RL or online. Maybe it’s the malaise of working in a big city and a commute that forces me to be in close proximity to people I have no respect for or commonality with. Yes I hear the snobbishness in that statement, but understand, I spend the duration of my commute writing and conjuring stories and scenarios in my head. I am surrounded by people close to my age discussing why their marriages suck or how drunk they’re getting/got this weekend. I get weird looks and comments from my co-workers who want to know why I’m spending my lunch hour writing instead of eating lunch in the lunchroom and contributing to the glut of bitchy gossip.  I’m a 41 year old Goth/Steampunk stuck in a right wing conservative blue collar area. I’m not allowed free expression or, heaven forfend, any sort of contrary opinion. And yes, I realize not every single person around me is this way. But you couldn’t tell from what I have to hear and put up with on a daily basis. My head is crowded with things I want to write about. And when I interact online, I tend to do so when I feel I can contribute to a conversation or maybe offer some support. I am not a social person, though some would say I’m wrong about that. But I’m not. I do better one on one with people.

At least I can come home to a husband who is in the same boat, so to speak. He at least comes from a field that supports the personality and expression we both clutch to us so hard.

I guess where all this malaise is also coming from is I’m tired. Bone fucking weary. TIred of having to hide and defend who I am, what I love and what I intend to do. If I was in my 20s still, I ‘d be saying “Fuck them! Rebellion!”  But now? I just want to live my goddamn life. I think I’ve earned that right by now. Let’s face it, I’m not happy with the person who’s shell I have to wear right now. She’s unhappy. Unhealthy. And not reflective of the person who is screaming to get out.

Anyway. didn’t intend this to go on as it did. But there you go. The joys of online venting.

Gotta get back to work before I have another person go mental on me. SIgh.

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