4 04 2008

Weather: High – 49 degrees & am showers (they did not lie!)

Daily OM today is a good one :Learning to Forgive Ourselves

I’m putting a cut in for length and some emotional personal stuff.

Learning to accept the things that we perceive as wrong can be a difficult task for many of us. Often we have been brought up to accept that it is normal to feel guilty about our actions and that by doing so we will make everything seem alright within ourselves. Even though we might feel that we have a reason to make up for the choices we have made, it is much more important for us to learn how to deal with them in a healthy and positive way, such as through forgiveness and understanding.

When we can look back at our past and really assess what has happened, we begin to realize that there are many dimensions to our actions. While feeling guilty might assuage our feelings at first, it is really only a short-term solution. It is all too ironic that being hard on ourselves is the easy way out. If we truly are able to gaze upon our lives through the lens of compassion, however, we will be able to see that there is much more to what we do and have done than we realize. Perhaps we were simply trying to protect ourselves or others and did the best we could at the time, or maybe we thought we had no other recourse and chose a solution in the heat of the moment. Once we can understand that dwelling in our negative feelings will only make us feel worse, we will come to recognize that it is really only through forgiving ourselves that we can transform our feelings and truly heal any resentment we have about our past.

Giving ourselves permission to feel at peace with our past actions is one of the most positive steps we can take toward living a life free from regrets, disappointments, and guilt. The more we are able to remind ourselves that the true path to a peaceful mind and heart is through acceptance of every part of our lives and actions, the more harmony and inner joy we will experience in all aspects of our lives.

See, I have one thing that still to this day causes me a ton of guilt. Only one. And that’s when my dad died, I wasn’t at the hospital. Now I know in my mind that there was no way for me to know when he was going to pass. I’ve had people reassure me and try to change my heart on this but nothing can change the fact that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I also carry a huge ton of guilt at the fact that I didn’t spend more time in the hospital with him when he was up here in Chicago. We were all taking turns, trying to help my mom out and make sure that Dad had a visit at least once a day. Some days no one was able to come.

My dad was not in good shape for several months before he passed. It devastates me whenever I think about how he looked at the end. Especially since not 7 months previous he was walking me down the aisle. I think it just still hurts. I had some medical background and I knew the minute he was hospitalized after the transplant he wasn’t coming home. I wished I could have done more, said more, just BEEN THERE more. But I guess it all falls under the “Coulda, Shoulda Woulda” school of thought.

Someday. Maybe I can come to terms with this. I just want the heartsick to stop. I miss him more now than last year or the year before.

Now playing: Editors – An End Has A Start
via FoxyTunes




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