Musing again…always dangerous…

5 03 2008

Weather: (predicted) High- 35 degrees with pm snow showers (WTFevah! They’ve predicted snow for 3 days now and nary a flake!)

So, I’ve been chewing on this for a while.

When does the point come in your life when your expectation of what being an adult is supposed to feel like catches up with your age?

I find that at 41, I don’t feel any different about most things than I did at 25. One could say that maybe I was mature at an early age, but that would be a fallacy. I was just as irresponsible and made as many stupid decisions at that age as my peers.

What’s triggered this is that I sit here, trying to figure out where I am and how I got here and where I want to go and why does the gap seem insurmountable?

Not depression, mind you, just confusion. I can’t blame anyone else but me. Seriously. It’s easy to burden other people with hindering you or causing you to not follow your path or just flat out blame them for your failings. But you know what? Once you’ve moved out of your parents house and finished college, pretty much your life is your responsibility.

Sure, shit happens. Plans can get delayed. Dreams put on pause. I’m not naive.
But what happens when your entire life seems off track? Like you’re living someone else’s life that has no resemblance to yours at all? And you can’t figure out when you slipped into this person’s ill-fitting shoes, or how to get back on track?

When does the “I’m and adult and can do what the hell I want?” kick in. And you mean it. And when do your parents accept it?

Once you get married, it’s no longer just your decision. But then, you wouldn’t have married them if they weren’t on the same path with similar direction, right?

Bri and I have goals. And yes, they’re the same. We just are befuddled and bewildered at why we’re no closer to them than we were 5 years ago. No…maybe that’s being too kind. We KNOW why we’re no closer, it’s just the explanations are sounding more and more like excuses these days. We’ve been tap dancing to others wishes for so long, I think we’ll need an uber sized machete to hack our way out of the entanglements.

We want to move, want a new home, want to be healthier and definitely want to start a family. We’ve wanted most of these things for the past 3 years and some for much much longer. So why are we still sitting in this same house, with the same waistlines and whining about both?

The easy answer is laziness and procrastination. But the real answer is weariness. We’re both weary of fighting against negativity and constant dismissals and most troubling, lack of support from a lot of areas. After years of hearing “You’re stupid for wanting to do that” or “Maybe you should think about this a little longer” I think part of us has just given up.
Fear of Failure is another demon we’re dealing with. That is my biggest hill to conquer where my writing is concerned. I have a crapload of friends who are published authors. I’m not comparing myself to them, because we write in different genres. I’m a little intimidated by the glass ceiling that all first time authors feel when they are almost ready to submit manuscripts to the mercy of the publishing world. Noone wants to hear “it’s not good”. What I need to understand is that they’re not saying “it’s crap”, they’re saying “it’s not for us”.

Ultimately I think we just need to get our focus back. We need to feel like our decisions are OUR DECISIONS. That our family, as much as we love them, are kind of standing in our way. And we can make things happen if we really want them to happen. No free lunches, no easy way out. Sucks, but it’s the truth.

When did being an adult get to be so hard?

—————-
Now playing: Nine Inch Nails – 8 Ghosts I
via FoxyTunes

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