Facing the proverbial fork in the road…..

Weather: mid 50s & rainy. Unseasonably cool.

When I saw the date of the last post, I cringed. Best intentions to keep up with blogging, covered in dust and cobwebs. Funny how life gets in the way of other things.

The last few months have been filled with the usual roller coaster of ups and downs, and I would do most of them a disservice to merely recap them. Suffice it to say that I’m still not quite where I want to be, but after jumping through a few hoops and stubbornly chipping away at the usual obstacles, I’m at least on the path.

The husbeast and I decided that , faced with the painful realities of our financial situation, moving cross country is not in the cards for us. However, we are still adamant about moving out of our current home. So, compromise was to move into a condo/loft in Chicago and get some separate studio space to finally get our stained glass/mosaic art career going full bore.

Compromises. Life is full of them. Some of them are necessary. Some of them inevitable. Most of them are like eating your vegetables – you know you have to, but sometimes they’re hard to swallow.

Today is the 7th anniversary of my dad’s death. Sucks every year. I miss him so much. I’m sad that he was unable to see me succeed at my passions. I’m sad that he’s not here to go see superhero films with me. I know he would have loved The Avengers & the Dark Knight movies. I miss his humor, I miss his advice….mostly I miss his gentle ability to help me see the silver lining in any situation. Really could use that right now. But I know in my bones that all the things he taught me and shared with me have helped me get through some tough times. So in some sense, he’s always here. It will have to suffice.

Currently I’m trying to improve my art skills, though I have the insecurity that comes with the lack of art schooling that many of my peers have, and that makes for some difficult decision making.   I’ve been spending a lot of time, both in classes and open studio at the Chicago Mosaic School, learning with some of the foremost artists in this field. It’s humbling and exhilarating at the same time. I’m also highly aware of how much I need to still learn. Thankfully I have gentle teachers who support my meager attempts.  Always a good thing. Seeing my view widen and the opportunities multiply can only inspire me to try more paths and techniques. I love mosaics. Love the history and the methods and the unlimited ways my visions can be fleshed out. Art has actually turned into therapy for me, much in the way that writing has. My brain is overcrowded. It’s always a good thing to have multiple ways to bleed off some of the noise.

The only bad thing that has arisen that I’m still dealing with is the ever-addictive rabbithole that is the internet. It’s become far too easy to disconnect the brain and fill it with mindless hours, surfing social media and cycling through the refreshing until hours have passed and I’m bored to tears or guilty at the lost time. It’s entertainment, nothing more. I’m not researching anything or even getting inspired. The only thing the endless refreshing is doing is ruining my eyesight and numbing my brain. My focus is shot to hell and truth be told, all I’ve discovered is that people are unencumbered by empathy or courtesy. (Neither is an earth shattering revelation, but it can erode your soul after a while) .  So why blog today? After all this time? Because I’ve reached the point of internet saturation where I’m so bored of politics and fandom insanity that I can’t be arsed to go to my usual sites. I’m burnt out mentally.  Television is only moderately more entertaining. Now that my fave shows have hit summer hiatus,  maybe I can take a few months to focus on getting my  creative brain back up to speed. Don’t get me wrong. It has been in my power to do this at anytime. I freely admit to taking the easy path. The work doesn’t get done because I’m not doing it, plain and simple. No excuses.

As much as it grieves me to say this, it’s time to grow up a bit. I feel like it’s time for me to choose a path. I’m at that proverbial fork in the road. This one is more fractious than previous ones. No soft landing this time, no half-assing. It’s the art path or the easy entertainment path.  Keeping up has become more important than making things. And I honestly am angry at myself for that. Until I can find a way to balance the fun  with the work, I need to focus on becoming a doer rather than someone who simply, PASSIVELY lets the world go by. I need to get out of observer mode, become a participant again. Depression has not helped. Bad health has not helped. Being overly empathetic to everyone else’s issues has not helped. Truth be told, my life has gotten out of control. Time to grasp the reins again, because the alternative is to just let go of them, and give up on anything other than a pale imitation of life.

I prefer bold colors to pastels, so I think I’ll put down my mouse and pick up my paint brush, change the vista.

I’m unplugging for a while.  See if I can find out who I am now. Not who I was. Not who I want to be. WHO I AM.

ETA: Neil Gaiman posted a link to this from his Calendar of Tales project. Perfect encapsulation of my needy artist brain right now. Perfect motivation in under 2 minutes:

Readjusting my perspectives: Imminent Birthday Edition

Weather: Weirdly warming. In the mid 30s today but heading into the near 50s by weekend.

My birthday is this coming Saturday. I’ll be 46. It’s neither noteworthy or shocking, but it does have some bearing on my life outlook.

Turning 40 was a walk in the park. Turning 45 was cold water on my head. Numbers shouldn’t create such drama, because honestly they’re just arbitrary markers in time. We’re aging at a fairly constant rate. But we’ve applied implications to ages, making them seem more or less important depending on how close they are to other arbitrary life event markers that society seems to plant in our path.

Remember when you were 18? Remember how old 30 seemed? I imagined myself married with kids and settled into some middle aged soccer mom life. Wait….did I say IMAGINED? No I was pretty terrified of that idea, even then. Not the married or kids part, but the settled part.

So 30 came and I was a little disconcerted that I was neither married nor a parent. Or settled. Wasn’t that the expectation? Granted there was a bit of fist pumping involved that I still felt young and vibrant. (Although, truth be told, it wasn’t like I was living like a rock star or out traveling or doing any of the other myriad lifestyle choices that seem to excuse an absence of a settled life to most people’s eyes.)

Then I was 40. Still not feeling my age. Not really looking what I expected to look like at 40. Married. Homeowner. And then the discomfort started settling into my bones. Trying to get back in shape was a much steeper hill to climb. My list of “things to do before you’re too old”  needed to shrink a bit. Decisions that I could have made for my life at 29 seemed to have fewer viable options.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not doing the “I’m too old to do things” kinda whine. I firmly believe that unless you’re six feet under, you shouldn’t ever give up the possibility of trying something new.  Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a realistic view of how much longer the recovery time will be if it goes pear shaped. I think I’m just more pragmatic.

I’m viewing the things on my list with a more realistic perspective. It’s more a case of “You can do anything you want, you just can’t do everything.” I’m also trying to live more simply. Less stuff, more  experiences. Fewer toys, fewer distractions.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I find clinging to things out of nostalgia is kind of useless for me. (Note, I don’t begrudge others this, because it is a source of comfort to some.) For example, I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and while there was some fantastic music that came out of that era, I don’t understand people who enshrine it to the point of not listening to anything past that era. Mostly because I remember there was an equal amount of crap music that came out during that time frame. Don’t believe me? Go look at the top 50 songs for those years. Seriously. I’ll wait. ::HUMS TO HERSELF::  Did you see a lot of bands and songs you don’t remember? There you go.

Do I wish I had my figure from when I was 18? Oh hell yes. Do I want to be 18 again? OH HOLY CRAP NO! I’ve earned every small worry line, silver hair and  knee ache that I experience today.  I have a much healthier & wider scoped outlook on things and this world that has been EARNED by experiencing it first hand. Time is a tricky thing. Looking back we can see all the places we’d fix things, spare ourselves some hurt or sidestep a bad experience. Sometimes those regrets overwhelm the good things that came from just living day to day.  Time marches forward, no matter what earth shattering thing has been dropped in your lap.

I guess the biggest perspective shift for me is this: The more things I cling to from the past- good, bad or ugly- the less space there is in my life for new things.  Because if you’re honest with yourself, there is comfort in things we know, whether they’re good or bad. Comfort zones are appealing, but if that’s all you have? You’re not really changing as a person. You’re not growing.

Trying something new is a risk. There aren’t necessarily any guarantees. But that’s why it’s necessary to try. I could have stuck with playing it safe – never letting anyone read my stories, never trying to make art for other people, never moved across this country, never reached out to people outside my comfort zone of conversation- and probably I could have been happy. But I’m glad I did. I’ve got friends all over the world, some similar to me, some only overlapping with me on the thinnest of things. I’ve met some amazing people because I refused to let my sometimes crippling self-consciousness stop me from stepping up and saying hi! I’ve learned things and experienced things, some good, some bad, some life-changing, and some mind-blowing.

The thing is, all this LIVING has landed me at 45, almost 46, with a pretty damn good idea of who I am. I still falter now and then, allowing others to define me in their terms, or trusting the wrong people or the wrong information, but I don’t let it weigh me down for too long. The pendulum can swing wildly in all aspects of life, but it is only still when it rests in the middle. The older I get, the shorter the time off center I spend. My opinions change, my views alter, and my life adapts accordingly. Age does that to you, and it should.

So these days, being settled isn’t a bad thing, because I’m settled by my own definition. I’m finding things that bring me joy. I’m releasing the things that are outdated or have no place in my life anymore. I try to keep looking forward, because while looking back may bring some comfort, even some perspective, it doesn’t add anything new to my life.  You can’t look at the world with fresh perspective if you keep viewing it through the same lenses of cynicism, old pain or golden hued nostalgia.

Of course that won’t stop me from the occasional grumpy “Damn kids today” exhortation.

As always, Your Mileage May Vary.

Keeping promises I’ve made to myself.

Weather:  Frigid and sunny. High: 28°

So it’s January 2nd, but I’m treating it like the first day of the new year. (Yesterday I was too headachy and tired to get on top of my new routine)

Today I started a new workout regimen. It’s varied and, as all new workouts do, kicking my arse all over the place. Still, my goal is getting healthy, not attempting to be a Victoria’s Secret model. (I’m too short anyway. So there.)

On a related note, I’m getting back to my pre-holiday eating habits. OY, did I slide on that between Thanksgiving and Christmas. :headdesk: Too much sugar, cookies, bread, and I think I cornered the market on dairy products. SO–guess what is on the cutting block? Yep. Going  back on a mostly vegetarian diet (OvoVegetarian to be specific), and drinking more water. The food may have tasted fantastic, but I feel awful. Piper’s knocking. Time to get paid. Fecking Piper. ::grumbles::

New Year’s eve was spent kissing the old year goodbye, rather than spending too much time stressing the new year’s expectations.  Husbeast and I spent the day getting some studio work done. As evidence that the business is starting to take off, I sold a mosaic piece within 2 hours of posting it. Definitely motivating to keep my work pace at a steady rate. Nothing makes you productive like seeing your art sell.

Next week, I start classes at the Chicago Mosaic School , a yuletide present from my husband. It’s less about learning how to make mosaics, and more about finessing my skills. I’m self taught, and the longer I go on, the more I’m realizing I need to improve my techniques and output. So, off I go to unlearn some  bad skills and re-learn better ones.

On the writing front, I’m almost done with a major overhaul of my first book. Had to blow cobwebs off the manuscript a couple weeks ago, but the time away actually had clarified where I needed to go with it. Sometimes it’s better to let it lie to see it more clearly.

Still trying to sort through some self-pubbing platforms. May just end up posting some short pieces I have done, and excerpt the novel. Lots of options, but I need to pick one.

The title of this post is significant in how I’m approaching my so called resolutions. It’s less about living up to other people’s expectations, more about keeping me accountable to myself.  Some things have become very clear in the past couple years. I’ve realized I’ve relied too much on external pressures and peers to keep me on the right path. My intents and drive suffered because I let go of the wheel. The months since I left my job found me sinking into spirals of depression and allowing all my best plans and goals to disintegrate under the weight of imagined failures and false, unrealistic benchmarks based on other’s successes or expectations. Too many cooks in the mental soup, so to speak.  Finally, I decided it was time to scrap this obviously broken view and replace it with something far simpler: Take it one day at a time. Don’t allow yourself to spend more time on unproductive things than things with measurable results. If it’s making you miserable, let it go. Cynicism and anger are reactionary, not means to an end.

Basically, if I want to get myself moving forward and staying in motion, I need to avoid wasting time on things and people who impede that progress.  Mind you, this is not me telling others to change their views, attitudes or opinions. I simply am not going to join in with the cloud crowd. I’m gonna do my best to pick out the silver lining and run with it. I’m not naive. I realize things are kinda crappy now on many levels. But I’m tired of being in the Greek Chorus chiming in how awful things are, while doing nothing to change them.  Are there pointless endeavors? Sure. But I’d like to think that failing after trying is 1000% better than throwing up my hands and not trying at all. At least in making the attempt to fix or improve things, you have a possibility of success, granted with varying degrees of probability.

So, the promises I’ve made to myself are simply that.  I’m the only one I have to please or disappoint. Other people’s opinions or acceptance or dismissals do not matter. Ultimately, only I can determine whether I will succeed or fail on my goals. Time to get to work!

End of Year 2012: Assessing and Recalibrating

Wow.

It’s been 6 months since I last checked in here. No excuses. Life got a bit overwhelming for coherent thought.

Several things have coalesced in the past few months, mostly on the art & business front, but more on that later.

Looking over the edge of the cliff of 2012, I can see that 2013 is gonna be kind of a leap of faith situation. I really have no profound resolutions other than the usual get in shape, Art Harder and leave this godforsaken town behind.

Something finally clicked over in late November. I think that I finally reached that tipping point of straw vs. camel back with depression and apathy. I got through the stress of Thanksgiving, all that snowball effect of family obligation and striving for the Norman Rockwell perfection of a decent meal in a painting-worthy house. That was followed by the fun-filled stress of potential jury duty. Didn’t escape the call in this time. Made it all the way to the jury box for secondary screening before I was dismissed.

The next day, something weird happened. I woke up relaxed. This was a new sensation considering I’d been under a boulder sized pressure of stress for so long, I’d forgotten what it’s absence felt like.  I was actually…happy. Still am now. Even the usual Christmas stress was non-existent. Maybe I’d reached maximum density, and the whole mind-body interface just went  ”NOPE!” and said fuck it.

What ever caused this odd and jarring shift, I’m not complaining. Now, the same issues of finances and pending obligations haven’t gone away, but I just don’t seem to all that bothered by them. Instead of fussing and worrying about them, I find myself focusing on solutions or options, rather than the worst case scenario outcomes.

Along with this newly acquired Zen attitude, I’m finding my interest in online interaction has waned a little. Not in the social sense, mind you. I still immensely enjoy interacting with my friends. But I’m less inclined to do the perpetual-refresh for news or fandom related stuff. Just not that interested in being ON ALL THE TIME. Studio time is rising up to take over that focus.

Writing has languished this year, but I’m not giving up on it. I’ve spent more time recently editing and making notes, but I have to be honest and admit that my mosaic work has replaced it as a priority. Being a hyphenate creative person is complicated. There is no equanimity in how the time and focus is doled out. It took me a while to realize that I shouldn’t be flogging myself for not keeping up with my more prolific writer friends. My goals and time management are measured by different benchmarks and different allocations. Again, once I decided to let my creative focus go where it needed instead of where my neurosis thought it should go, things started moving again.

I left my job in March, and I’d be hard pressed to say I didn’t miss the income. But I’m no longer feeling merely unemployed, finally embracing my self-employed status.

Einini Glassworks is finally starting to see a profit, and Brian and I are starting to see our little business find its legs. 2013 is going to be a big year for us. We’re hoping to have new digs by mid year, with much more accommodating space for our studio, and more reduction in distractions & extraneous unnecessary obligations. We even got interviewed for the regional paper. (They came to us, which was another thing that lifted us both out of the doldrums of apathy.)

So…no real concrete resolutions this go around, and I’m really okay with that. I have goals. I have ideas. And I finally have the focus & positive mentality to get both things on the right track. Maybe that’s resolution enough.

:Blowing the Dust off this Thing::

Weather: Sunny & 70s. Been a roller coaster since March. Cold then hot. Climate Change, WOO HOO.

Yes, it’s been an elephant’s age since I updated. Lots has happened, but nothing really noteworthy.

On the writing front, I’m finished with my novella of erotica. It’s been edited, revised and now is ready to be unleashed….um UPLOADED. Now comes my first foray into the self-publishing realm full stop. Currently I’m trying to wrap my head around e-formatting. Then I need to decide on a venue to publish it. Was going to use Scribd, but they have capped their sellers for now. No joy there. So now it’s between the usual suspects: Createspace, LuLu and Lightning Source. Will be tapping my friends to get a consensus on the good, bad and ugly about all of these.

Book#1 is almost done. Sigh. Rewrites have proven painful. Last 1/3 of the book required some BIG changes, which as we all know, leads to a domino effect of retroactive changes through the book. There are days it flows, and days filled with gnashing of teeth and thoughts of burning my laptop in effigy. Double le sigh. Still, I need to worry less about arbitrary deadlines and get the best writing done instead.

On the mosaic side, I finished 2 commissions and 4 other pieces. Need to step up my output. I seem to be caught in a tug of war between my two pursuits, and neither is being adequately served. More’s the pity. Interesting development in that I have discovered I prefer working mixed media (Part stained glass, Part tile.) It  gives me a little more flexibility in design. Besides, the husbeast has a metric ton of glass and is quite willing to share. Always a good thing when a couple can share their passions.

The house is getting some major work done on it: New roof, new gutters and all the windows replaced. Paying for it will be a challenge, but not impossible. Now we need to get the cosmetic stuff done: paint the siding, patch & paint the inside, etc etc.  Bri and I figure we can safely put the house on the market very soon. New horizons and people and opportunities beckon from afar (Well, the Pacific Northwest, to be precise ) and it’s far past time for us to be on our way.

I’ve had some difficulties the past few months, trying to find my way with this new paradigm. It’s not easy. It’s simple on paper and in theory, but life is neither predictable or plays nice when you make plans. Rolling with the punches seems to be more the name of the game than disciplined planning. Still, things are starting to happen, and to work. My preconceived notions of what I’d do or think or BECOME have altered radically.

For one, I’m finding that I can’t split my time 50/50 between my two pursuits. The muses are not that practical. Projects will take the time they take, and I can’t flog myself if I’m spending more time on one rather than the other. It all has a way of working out. Inspiration will not be ordered about. Sometimes the writing is working, sometime the art needs all the attention. Roll with the punches, as I said.

Online interaction has been sporadic, but I’m getting better at determining when I’m not doing anything productive and stepping away from the computer. My health kinda faltered a bit, what with losing my 2 mile a day hike to the office. So, I’ve built in a workout schedule that has finally started to click.

Nothing comes easy in the freelance life, and maybe it shouldn’t. If it were easy, everyone would succeed and no one would quit. Challenge makes it worthwhile. It’s just trying to find a way to make the challenges motivating and not intimidating that is difficult, at least for me.

I would be remiss in not mentioning that one of the things that’s been helping me not toss the towel in on my writing has been reading Chuck Wendig’s blog on a fairly regular basis. He gives unvarnished advice to writers of all stripes. Colorful language abounds, she says with vast understatement. But the advice is sound. You don’t necessarily have to agree with him, but he’ll make you take a closer look at your work and make it better nonetheless.  Read his awesome blog here: Terrible Minds

Also, a reminder that my husband and I both are producing art for sale at our website, Einini Glassworks. It’s in need of an update as well, and we have more items that will be up for sale hopefully by this weekend. You can also like our Facebook Page,  or follow our Twitter feeds  (Einini Glassworks & Einini Mosaics).  I’ll have my Self-Publishing Facebook page up shortly. Need to get the novella ready for pubbing first.

Again, nothing earth shattering in the news area, but steady has been sufficient to keep me busy. Hopefully, I can stay at least consistent in that.

Update from the Fringes.

Weather: Don’t get me started. How schizophrenic has it been? 10 days of 80 degree temps in MARCH? And now we’re back down to the 40-50 degree level. Climate change is a myth, huh Sparky? ::slaps idiots::

So– heading into my third week of full time pen monkey/mosaic artist immersion and I’m STILL trying to work out a doable daily schedule.

I find that I’m most productive in the morning…which came as a complete shock to this inveterate night owl. Of course, I’d still be a night owl if I wasn’t having to get up at 5 OMG O’Clock to get the husbeast off to work. ::Tries to figure out how to win lottery so husbeast can go full time artist as well::

Nonetheless, I’ve managed to find a somewhat reasonable balance of Writing:Art:Domestic Responsibilities. Granted, I wish I was spending more time on the first two, but it’s getting sorted on a day to day basis. The hardest thing? Limiting my distractions. I wish I could say that I was better at resisting the urge to marathon one of my DVD sets (Too easy to call it “research” — WHO AM I KIDDING?) or get swept up in the all too easy sway of “refresh–read-refresh”, because that bloody need to NOT MISS ANYTHING is just a shimmy to the left of crack addiction. Less expensive but just as wasteful.

So, Learning Curve for functioning outside the routine of a 9-5 Day Job is taking longer than I hoped. BUT! I will succeed.

I’m currently finishing off the last rewrites on my first novel. I have a short story awaiting publication. And on the mosaic front, I’m doing my first commission piece, a mixed media piece that combines stained glass & tiles. It’s coming along better than I hoped. We’ll see if the finished product lives up to my ridiculous standards. (Nothing has yet, just so you know!)

On the “Hey, here’s a link you should be reading” front, I’ve become particularly fond of Chuck Wendig’s Terribleminds blog. He posts some very helpful lists for writers, most often with some hilariously rude metaphors & descriptions. It’s a no bullshit zone for advice. Also, his books are amazing. Seriously–go check him out.

Kickstarter is eating up what funds I can provide lately. I can’t help it. In this new atmosphere of crowd funding, there is some fantastic art , books & music being created and if you get on board, the incentives have been amazing!  I’m hoping in the future to find a way to use kickstarter to fund some bigger projects I’ve been thinking about, but I need to consider the incentives to offer. Plenty of time for that.

On top of all the projects & day to day things I have going, there’s that little “Sell our house & move to Seattle” thing that is staring at me like a panther about to pounce. SO MUCH TO DO! What in all the gods names was I thinking to do this many life changing things at once? Oy.

Well, enough blathering. I have a ton to do on my checklist for today. Time to start chiseling that bitch down to size.

Mantra for today: Butt in chair, focus on the work, finish your goal for the day.

Remember to check out Einini Glassworks. There will be more items posted soon. Including some of my mosaic work!

Heidi 2.0

So…Friday I took a big step into a new life.

I quit my day job.

I’ll be working full time on writing & mosaic art.

This is part of a bigger plan. Because, yes: There IS a plan.

Brian and I sat down and worked out the numbers. (He’s still working). I’m lucky enough to have a partner who not only is willing to support me financially, but also support my path and my passions.

I’ve already set up a schedule for myself through the week, which I imagine will morph organically as I find my rhythm of work. I hope to do my writing in the morning, with a minimum wordcount for each day, and relegate my afternoons to working on mosaic art. Weekends will be for getting projects photographed and up on Etsy, and for marketing/designing new things.

This first week will be bumpy as I get used to my new routine and getting my discipline in place.

It’s a big step for me. For the first time in my life, any income or lack there of is solely on my shoulders. If I don’t get the work done, there’ll be no product to market & sell. I have eliminated the biggest excuse for not working on writing or art, not that it should have been an excuse in the first place.

Added on top of all this new self-discipline and work routine, both the husbeast & I will be both tightening our belts, finance-wise, and also doubling down on our efforts to get the house sold & our sorry butts out to Seattle.

On paper, this all looks so efficient. Alas, this is not doing spreadsheets and fixing equipment.Writing and art are a bit more nebulous and although discipline helps you to put your nose to the grindstone, the tools and raw materials we’re working with are not exactly measurable or readily available. But therein lies the rub. It’s a risk, to do this creative act. Doubly so to risk your livelihood on it’s back. Payment is at the whims of your audience, not just the hours put in.

So, I’ve taken the leap. I’m hoping for a soft landing. I know it’s gonna be a bumpy ride….

And I cannot wait to get started.